Ryan's Song
by tribebohemian
Summary: this is my story of what happened to Ryan after he was sent away to the mines. A little bit of Patsy in there as well
1. Chapter 1

This is my story of what happened to Ryan after the Chosen fell from power. He was one of my favorite characters and though his send off was good, I disliked how his fate remained unknown. He and Patsy being core members of the original cast deserved better. Everyone does stories on Bray and Danni but I have yet to read anything about Ryan. I often wondered what could make Ryan stay away from the mall, away from his family. I like to think he found happiness out there and a new home. This is my story.

Some of you might think Ryan's character is somewhat different but keep in mind that traumatic experiences can change a person. Ryan spent a period of at least three months in the mines. Something like that can definitely alter ones' perspective on things.

Also, for story's sake I have more than one type of mine. The kind where Cloe was sent was a punishment labor camp run by mostly inept guards. So when the Chosen empire fell apart those guards simply left and the kids were free to go. Ryan on the other hand, because he was sentenced to death and had to be kept hidden, was sent to a different mine. A mine where people were sent to be forgotten. It's run by the Praetorian guards who will live and die for Zoot. They would rather blow the whole place up than see anyone escape Zoot's wrath. A much more dangerous place to be.

This year's love had better last

Heaven knows it's high time

I've been waiting on my own too long

And when you kiss me like you do

It feels so right

I start to forget how my heart gets torn

When that hurt gets thrown

Feeling like I can't go on

Turning circles when time again

It cuts like a knife oh yea

If you love me got to know for sure

'Cause it takes something more this time

Than sweet sweet lies

Before I open up my arms and fall

Losing all control of every dream inside my soul

And when you kiss me on that midnight street

Sweep me off my feet

Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last

So whose to worry if our hearts get torn

When that hurt gets thrown

Don't you know this life goes on

And won't you kiss me on that midnight street

Sweep me off my feet

Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last

-David Grey

CHAPTER ONE

Ryan's eyes slowly opened. He moaned. It hurt to breathe. His whole body wracked with pain. He made an attempt to sit up but...

"Ugh!" He gasped in agony.

"You shouldn't move." A voice said quietly.

Ryan's eyes focused on the darkness around him. There was a girl crouched in the corner of the room. She was cooking something on a small camping stove. As she looked up she swept her long hair over her shoulder and Ryan was able to see her face. She looked familiar.

"Taisan?" He whispered.

"Who?"

No. It wasn't Taisan but she was of Asian descent.

"Where... where am I?" Ryan asked, confusion on his face.

"I'll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are."

Ryan paused a moment. "Uh... Ryan. My name's Ryan."

The girl came to him with a small thermos in hand. She knelt beside him and gently helped him to lift his head.

"We're in an attic of a cabin. Don't worry, you're safe. The Chosen can't hurt you anymore."

"The Chosen?" Ryan was confused.

"Here." She tipped the thermos to his lips. "You need water."

Ryan took a sip becoming aware of how painfully dry his mouth and throat were.

"The Chosen." He said again and looked at the girl. Her dark dreadlocks reminded him of someone... "Lex!" He suddenly remembered. Images were coming back to him in random flashes. The Chosen. The mines. The Mallrats. Salene... "What happened!"

The girl looked at him silent for a moment as she placed the thermos beside his makeshift bed. Then she crossed her legs and stared at her hands.

"I don't know what happened to you. I found you..." She swallowed as she thought deeply. "The Chosen were falling apart and there were rebellions all over the city. And with the rumors of the Guardian going insane there was no way they were gonna keep it together..."

"The Guardian." Ryan whispered to himself, remembering that it was his attempt to kill the Guardian which sentenced him to the mines in the first place.

"So I took my chances and started hiking over the mountain. I mean, who knew how it was gonna end. I stayed off the roads and followed a small stream and at nightfall decided to camp out until daybreak." She sighed before continuing. "The next morning I was on my way when I saw it." She paused, her slanted eyes narrowing. "It was blood on a tree. I decided to check it out and then I found him. This kid... this dead kid. I didn't know how he got there." She sighed. "Then I discovered he wasn't the only one. It was... a massacre." She said in a whisper. "Kids everywhere. Like a battlefield. Right in front of this cave in the hillside."

Ryan stared at her as a memory came back to him. He was running through the darkness. Amongst the screaming kids. All of whom were running towards the same thing he was. The light. The light that had been kept from them for months. He was weak with hunger and thirst but all he could see was the mouth of the mine. The trees outside. He was almost there.

"I've seen Chosen mines before but none like this." The girl paused before shaking her head as if to make the memory disappear. "Anyway, you moaned so I got you on your feet and brought you here. It was the closest thing I could find and you needed rest." She finished quickly and stood up. Their eyes caught one another for a moment before she walked back to the stove.

"I walked here?" Ryan had no memory of this.

"I'd hardly call it walking." Ryan suddenly made a brave attempt to sit up. "I wouldn't do that just yet." She warned.

But Ryan ignored her. Yelping all the way he managed to pull himself up. He felt like there was a giant hole ripped right through his chest. He panted in pain. He could barely support himself as he struggled to keep from falling back.

"I told you." The girl rushed to his aid and Ryan allowed her to ease him back down. "You're too weak." She explained gently. "You haven't eaten in God knows how long. From the looks of it they were pretty much starving you." She gave him a once over as she fixed his blankets. "You're nothing but skin and bones."

Ryan swallowed painfully. "My head's killing me."

"You're body's starving and you have no fat on you." She nodded towards the stove. "I've made soup."

Ryan felt himself drifting away. "Not hungry." He murmured.

"You need to eat." She insisted.

But Ryan was already gone. Adrift in a sea of black dreams.

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He was running again. Towards the light. it seemed so far away and he was tired. Something was slowing him down. Holding him back. He realized he was carrying something but he couldn't look down to see what it was. He just kept running towards the mouth of the mine. Towards the light. Towards the trees.

"I'm coming Salene." He whispered. "Almost there."

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It was light outside when Ryan woke. He could see the slant of the attic roof. The cobwebs that seemed to have taken over every corner. Blue sky peaked through a knothole and he could hear the chorus of trees dancing in the wind. Then the pain hit him again. It split down his back cutting through his midsection. And his right leg, God his leg felt broken at the knee. Ryan cried out as he attempted to adjust his position on the wood floor. Suddenly he heard running up the steps.

"You're awake!" The girl bent over him, Her face much clearer in the light of day. Ryan grit his teeth as she adjusted some pillows under his back so he could sit up partway. "It's been two days." She stared at him, worry in her eyes. "You have to eat something or you'll never get well."

He didn't protest. He could barely breathe as it was. He watched her dig into a dingy book bag in the corner. He realized there was another bed made up over there. Seeing her now he decided she looked nothing like Taisan except for her almond eyes. She was shorter and paler. Her lack of height was accentuated by the length of her hair which trailed down to her waist like a dark cape. Colorful beads and small strips of fabric were weaved in the twisted dreadlocks. Her clothes were simple and aged giving Ryan the impression that she stayed on the move. A gray fitted tank with almost black cargo pants. Worn combat boots in dire need of a polish finished it off. This was a girl who gave little thought to her looks. She came back to him with an opened tin of green beans. Ryan made a face as he gingerly took a bite.

"Sorry." The girl frowned. "My cook has the night off."

Ryan caught the sarcasm in her voice and looked up. "No, I'm sorry. Been eating dirt for months. Taste buds are screwed."

Her stern eyes relaxed as she spoon fed him. Minutes passed in awkward silence as she watched him choke down his meal. Ryan tried to remember the last time he ate anything else besides stale bread covered in dirt. Even when in captivity at the mall he was fed decent food though sparse. He thought of the daily scrap of bread he was given in the mines. The small tin cup of water which tasted like rust. How he grew accustomed to the taste of dirt caked on his lips.

"What was it like?" She asked as though reading his mind.

Ryan met her eyes briefly before looking back at the ceiling. "It was dark."

She waited patiently for more and when he didn't offer... "And?"

"And it was dirty. I mean I was in the ground... practically." Ryan finished quietly.

The girl, sensing he wasn't going to eat anymore placed the half eaten tin of beans next to her. "Were there a lot of people there?"

Ryan started to shrug but winced in pain instead. "I dunno. I didn't really see anyone. We were kept separated in the dark." He swallowed. "But I could hear them. Screaming. Crying."

The girl went to fetch him more water and when she returned saw his eyes brimming with tears. Ryan gratefully took the water and had no trouble drinking this time.

"What happened there?" She finally asked after several minutes. "What I found... How'd you get that way?'

Ryan didn't look at her. He was trying to dig into his memory. He knew there was something locked away. Something had happened but he couldn't recall what it was.

"I dunno." He finally answered in defeat. "I can't remember."


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

The days passed slowly and Ryan fell in and out of restless sleep. He was too weak to stay awake for more than ten minutes at a time. He seemed to have little concern for his surroundings or his keeper. His questions were few and didn't require more than a one word answer at times. For the most part he didn't speak. He said nothing of his past and asked nothing of the future. He floated through a foggy sort of limbo. Seeming not to be fully aware of the seriousness of his present situation. He hadn't even asked about the severity of his wounds.

The girl watched him carefully and by looking after him, she figured things out on her own. He'd clearly been a city kid judging by his choice of clothing. The bright colors and high quality of the fabric suggested his tribe was an important one. Giving him access to the best and scarcest of items. Considering his diet in the mines, he had managed to stay somewhat strong and build muscle. Though the size of his clothes gave her the idea that he'd lost a lot of weight underground.

She kept close mostly, within earshot. Though she had to leave the cabin sometimes to fetch water from the stream. She had gotten lucky in finding the cabin. It was barely an hours walk from the mines and about seventy feet from the stream. It was far off the main road and the overgrown driveway gave some security. She was able to find canned goods and medical supplies. The camping stove was a bonus. Though it was obvious a drifter or two had spent time there, the cabin hadn't been looted during the time of the virus. Still she felt safer keeping Ryan and herself in the attic. In case someone should happen upon their sanctuary.

One night she was awakened by Ryan's whimpering. He was constantly mumbling in his sleep. Calling out for people he seemed to have no recollection of when he was awake. She turned over and stared at the poor boy. Her eyes were adjusted to the darkness so she could make him out clearly. His breathing was labored and he seemed upset, just like all the other nights. Whatever it was he couldn't remember managed to plague him in his dreams.

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Ryan was running. Running through the darkness. The screaming kids surrounded him as they made their way towards the light. He could see her. Her soft heart shaped face glowed in the light. She was calling to him and smiling. Ryan panted as he tried to run faster. Something was holding him back again. What was he carrying and why couldn't he look down and see what it was? He looked up at her face as she called to him. She seemed to be moving away from him, disappearing into the light. She was carrying a baby...

"I'm coming!" He called after her. "Wait! Please, I'm almost there!"

She smiled as she and the baby faded away.

"Salene!"

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Ryan woke with a start, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears. He was shrouded in darkness and reached for the dirt walls he'd grown accustomed to. He jumped when he felt the softness of a bare arm instead.

"Shh. It's okay." It was that girl. Ryan sighed and tried to slow his heart down. "It was just a dream." Her voice was gentle. Suddenly there was a faint flicker of light. She'd lit a candle. Ryan could see the curve of her cheek silhouetted in the dancing light. "Shh."

She continued to calm him. She felt his head. He was wringing with sweat. Silently she grabbed a damp cloth from the water bucket she kept by the stairs. Ryan tried to steady his breathing as she mopped up his burning forehead. He could still see Salene's face. Her smile. The baby.

They sat in silence while she soothed him. Ryan rested his head against her thigh and stared at the candle. The memory was so clear. The day when everything he loved was stripped from him. He could see Salene crying. The apology in her eyes. He could hear her voice.

"_I'm sorry."_

_"Tell me you didn't agree Salene." He heard himself begging. "Say you told him where to go, please."_

_"Ryan I had no choice." She broke down._

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut to block out the pain. The pain of knowing he'd lost her to the Chosen. That she'd promised their baby to Zoot. Knowing that with that promise he could never see his child. The tears stung his eyes as though he were living it all over again. There was only so much he could take and that had been the last straw. The Chosen would not get away with taking his unborn child. He could still feel his hands around the Guardian's neck. The death sentence still rang clear in his ears.

"Salene." He whispered tearfully.

"Who is she?" Ryan looked up into those almond eyes remembering where he was. "You keep calling her name. Was she your girlfriend?"

"My... wife."

"Oh." The almond eyes took on a look of sad realization. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

Ryan looked back at the candle and swallowed his tears. Without thinking about it he reached for the girl's hand squeezing it gently. She gazed down at his pained expression and continued to caress his face with the cloth. They sat in a silence that wasn't so awkward this time. Both lost in their own memories.

"What's your name?" Ryan asked after a time.

The girl gazed down at him surprised. "Astrid."

"Astrid." Ryan whispered, his eyes heavy. "Astrid."

The candle dwindled down, it's wax spreading in an ever widening circle on the wood floor. The dying light flickered causing Astrid to look up. She wasn't sure how long she'd been kneeling, lost in her thoughts, though the dull ache in her legs gave her the impression that it had been awhile. She looked down at Ryan's sleeping face. His breathing was deep and calm. His grip on her hand had loosened but she could still feel the warmth of his palm. Slowly she got up, blew out the candle and crawled back into bed.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Three days later Ryan woke up, his mind no longer clouded. He was still in pain but forced himself to sit up and looked around. The attic was bigger than he'd realized. More like a walk up loft that no one had bothered to finish. Astrid's bed was empty but her bag lay nearby. There was a small window he hadn't noticed before. He could see the tops of the forest and guessed by the lighting that it was late afternoon.

Looking down he saw his chest was wrapped tightly with what looked like torn bedsheets. He became suddenly aware he was shirtless. Slowly he lifted the stained quilt to inspect the leg which growled with pain. It too was wrapped from calf to hip. His pants were missing. All he still wore were his boxers.

"Hey." Ryan turned to see Astrid coming up the stairs with a fresh bucket of water. She noticed a change in his mannerism. He was no longer groggy and spaced out. He no longer looked as confused. "You okay?" She asked when he didn't speak.

"Where are my clothes?" Ryan asked, his face slightly red.

Astrid walked to a bench he hadn't noticed in the corner. "I tried to wash them but..."

She held up his shirt and Ryan could clearly see the months of grime which refused to let go of the fabric. The dark remnants of a blood stain was new. As was the hole in the center of the stain.

"What happened to me?"

Astrid sucked in her breath and seated herself on the bench, refolding Ryan's shirt. "Well, when I found you, there was an arrow sticking out of your back..."

"An arrow!" Ryan gasped.

She nodded. "Yeah and another right through the leg, by the knee. You lost a lot of blood and I think you might have some broken ribs..." Ryan's hand went to his side as he was reminded of his discomfort there. "I was scared the arrow might have punctured your lungs but your breathing was all right so..."

"Did you take them out?"

Astrid nodded though the answer seemed like it should have been obvious. Ryan slowly reached his hand around his back but stopped just shy of making contact with the dressed wound.

"I gave you whiskey for the pain and used it to clean your wounds."

Astrid thought back to the day she found Ryan. She'd pulled him out of the clearing into the trees but realized she had to remove the arrows before continuing. Ryan had only been semi conscious as she poured some of the alcohol down his throat. Then she poured it on his wounds. He screamed when she pulled out the arrows and near passed out cold.

Astrid managed to stop the bleeding in his knee by tightly wrapping a rag around his thigh. Then she forced him to walk using her small body as a crutch. By the time they chanced upon the cabin she was ready to collapse in exhaustion. It was there in the attic that she was able to undress him and take care of his wounds properly. After he was settled, she'd searched the grounds and found the cabin to be an ideal hideout for the time being.

"Whiskey?" Ryan asked in disbelief.

"Yes." Astrid came out of her reverie'. "Not just for getting drunk. Don't you remember any of it?" Ryan shook his head and looked down. He still ached but didn't want to sleep anymore. "Are you hungry?" She asked.

"Yeah." He nodded realizing his stomach pangs were from hunger. "Yeah I am."

Eager to have something to do, Astrid set about making soup on the camping stove. Seeing her brought back memories of the mall. Ryan remembered the small stove they first used in the cafe. Back in the beginning, before they were a tribe.

"Astrid, what tribe are you from?" He realized he saw no recognizable tribal markings on her exposed skin.

"No tribe." Astrid stirred her soup.

"Did the Chosen destroy it?"

She shook her head. "I never had a tribe. I've always been a loner. Sometimes I spent a short while with a group here or there but I didn't belong to any of them. Well, I kinda belonged with the Chosen for a short while..."

"You were a Chosen?" Ryan narrowed his gray eyes.

Astrid looked at him slightly startled. "No no no. Not like that. I was never a dedicated member or anything. I mean when they took over it was join or die. A no brainer in my opinion. I thought they were crazy of course but they didn't have to know that. I never had to hurt anyone so it wasn't bad. And when stuff started to fall apart I ran away." Ryan was still staring at her as though he couldn't believe her confession. "What?" She looked back at him. "What would you have done if given the choice?"

"I **was** given the choice." Ryan frowned. "I said no. I lost my wife and I lost my kid. Why do you think I was in the mines?"

Astrid looked into her soup. "So you gave up the most important things in your life for what? Principle? Integrity? To make some sort of point?"

Ryan sighed. "What the Chosen wanted wasn't right. They wanted us to give ourselves up and be slaves to Zoot."

"So you refused to give up yourself and gave up your wife and child instead." She then looked into Ryan's eyes. "Was it worth it?"

For a moment he didn't answer obviously flustered. "You don't understand." He finally spat out. "She gave herself to them. She turned on the tribe. She dedicated our unborn baby to Zoot."

"And you didn't and got sent away."

"Yes."

"You're right." Astrid shook her head. "I don't understand. I don't know what principle is more important than family. I mean so what if the Chosen wanted you to bow down to a dead kid. So what if they made you denounce your tribe. If you had joined, you'd still be with her and your baby. Instead you stick to your principles and get sent to live underground. Meanwhile, she's alone and you got no chance of ever seeing your kid."

Ryan frowned at the thought and narrowed his eyes at Astrid. "So what are you saying? That I shoulda joined just cause you did? That I was wrong for standing up for what I believe in?"

She shook her head. "I had my reasons for joining the Chosen. But you, you had the **best** reasons for joining. Your wife and kid. No one could call you a cop out for choosing them."

Ryan looked away from her an stared out the window. He didn't like what she was saying. He felt as though she was suggesting that he'd given up his family on a whim. It was as though she though he was heartless and uncaring. He hated how her words make him question what he had considered to be a righteous decision. Mostly he didn't like feeling as though maybe she were right.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

The next day Ryan sat feeling slightly embarrassed as Astrid changed his dressings. She noticed the flush in his cheeks and the way he refused to meet her eyes. She smirked.

"Fine time to be modest." She dabbed peroxide on his back wound. "You got nothing I haven't already seen."

"I know." Ryan blushed harder. "It's just... I've only... my wife is the only... one I've been with."

Astrid looked at the back of his shaggy head. "How sweet. And I had you pegged for a ladies man.'

"Who me?" Ryan didn't pick up on her obvious joke. "Naw. I was never good with the girls. Lex got all the girls. I was just lucky to get Salene."

"Was she lucky to get you?"

The question made him frown and think deeply. Once upon a time Salene herself would have answered "Yes!" Ryan thought back to that day in the train car. The day he rescued Salene and promised to look after her always. She looked so happy and put complete faith in him. He loved how she trusted him and depended on him to be her rock. Then he tried to remember when all that changed. It was almost overnight. One day Sal was happy and the next, everything he did was wrong. Instead of smiles of genuine happiness, she gave him looks of exasperation. As though she hated him for not being Bray.

Astrid looked at his face. "I was kidding."

Ryan met her eyes and gave a weak smile. "Uh yeah. I knew that."

"Ya know, I've heard of Lex. Quite a reputation on that one." She began to wrap Ryan's chest. "Gambling and drinking all the time. Couldn't keep his hands off the cards or the booze."

Ryan thought back to Lex's collapse. "It's because his wife died. Kid too."

"Lex was married!"

"Yeah. She died some time ago. His first wife." His eyes clouded as he remembered Eagle mountain.

"Married twice." Astrid whistled. "Wow. For all your bad luck you Mallrats certainly aren't afraid of the alter."

Ryan turned and looked at her. "How'd you know I was a Mallrat?"

"Your tattoo."

"Tattoo?" Ryan whispered confused.

Astrid touched his left arm, near the shoulder. He looked down and there it was. A chain gang tattoo of the famous pentacle. Gently he brushed his fingers over it trying to remember where it came from.

"I thought it was strange since most of you just wear a stamp on your hands. Then again, what isn't strange in this world?"

Ryan thought to himself as his fingers softly traced the lines of the tattoo. He remembered now. He'd been in the mines for weeks which felt like months. He'd given up hope. Wishing Luke had carried out his execution instead of showing this freakish version of mercy. He was kept chained in a small dugout in the rocky walls, shrouded in darkness. All he could hear around him was crying and moaning. Some days the Chosen would leave a single torch in the long dreary hall and it was barely enough light to see the scraps of bread they were meant to survive on.

Then one day he was let out of his hovel for more than a bathroom break. He was sent to work detail further in the cave. He realized how large this place was and that the chances of finding a way out were minute. Then he found her. Patsy. She'd been sent away only days before him for being a spy for the Mallrats.

_"Patsy!"_

_"Ryan!"_

_They embraced one another and Ryan could feel how thin she'd become. At first he had no words. He simply held her as she clung to him. Finally he pulled her at arms length to get a better look at her. Her face was gaunt and her wrists badly chaffed from the shackles. She'd wasted away to almost nothing in only three weeks. If her young eyes were windows to her soul than he could see she was full of fear and despair._

_"We... we thought you were dead." He finally gasped in disbelief. "Luke said he hadn't been able to get to you in time. What happened?"_

_Patsy shook her head. "I dunno. Someone didn't do their job right I guess."_

_"Thank God for that." Ryan tried to smile._

_"Oh Ryan," Her voice broke. "I've been so scared. I don't even know how they found out. They just came and took me away." She shuddered. "When I realized they were sending me to the mines I thought I'd at least find Cloe but..." The tears spilled from her eyes as she weeped. "They chained me in this hole and they only gave me moldy bread to eat. God Ryan it's been awful!"_

_She fell into his arms and Ryan held her while she sobbed into his shoulder. He knew the rest because the same thing had been done to him. Solitary confinement. Alone in the dark with only the shouts and cries of others for company. Your memories haunting you to the point of self torture._

_"It'll be okay." Ryan finally whispered into her hair. The strange thing was that he actually believed it. He'd lost all hope until he saw Patsy and now he knew he was going to be okay. He had to be okay, for her._

_"But how?" She whimpered._

_Ryan tried to smile. "I dunno but we're gonna make it. I promise not to let anything happen to you."_

_Patsy looked up at him sniffling. "You promise?"_

_He nodded. "We're gonna get out of here together. I'm not gonna leave you."_

_The next day Ryan took Patsy aside. In his hands he held a sharp rock and a palm sized piece of charcoal. She blanched as she watched him carve into his arm._

_"Ryan! What are you doing?"_

_He looked at her, determination in his eyes. "We have to remember who we are."_

_Patsy tried to hide the horror in her face as Ryan continued his mutilating work of art. When it was finished she understood though she still looked ashen at the blood. Ryan then rubbed the charcoal into the wound seemingly immune to the pain. Finally he looked up and reached for Patsy's arm._

_"Your turn."_

_Patsy bit her lip as Ryan took her thin arm. She tried her hardest not to cry out as he cut into her pale flesh. By the time he was finished with the outer circle, tears were streaming down her dirty cheeks._

_"I'm sorry." Ryan whispered earnestly before going on. When he was finished and they were both scarred Ryan squeezed Patsy's hand. "Never forget."_

_She nodded as she rubbed the wetness from her face._

"Wow." Astrid said quietly, a strange look on her face. She'd finished with Ryan's dressing and was sitting across from him as they shared a drink. "Did she get out?" She asked a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

Ryan thought for a moment as if it were suddenly dawning on him. "I... I'm not sure." He looked at Astrid. Her expression was pained as she stared at the floor. "What? What is it?"

She looked at him slowly. "I... I didn't wanna tell you." She whispered.

"Tell me what?" Ryan's heart feared what he knew was coming.

"When I found you..." Astrid swallowed and looked toward the window. "You were... there was a girl in your arms. Like you'd been holding her... carrying her when you fell."

"No." Ryan whimpered.

"She was so young." Astrid closed her eyes. "She had two arrows in her side. Bled out. I didn't know who she was to you. Later I thought she was Salene but now..."

Silence filled the room as the uncensored memory came back to Ryan. The day the Chosen lost control. Ryan had no idea who started it and he wasn't going to ask questions. Instead he grabbed Patsy down in work detail and they both started running. Neither of them knew the way out but they followed the crowd of screaming kids. The air became thinner, less choked with dust and Ryan knew they were close. And then he could see it. The light. The mouth of the mine.

Patsy was weak and sick. She'd been unable to work and had been left in her hole for weeks. Finally she'd reemerged under the pretense that she was feeling better. But it was clear she wasn't. Ryan found himself practically dragging her, his mind only on getting them both out of there.

He could hear kids fighting Chosen who were determined not to let them leave. Unlike other Chosen warriors, those in charge of the mine were the Guardian's Praetorian guards. They were true believers of Zoot and didn't question any order seemingly given by him. They lived by Zoot's words. They would die by Zoot's words. And worse, they'd kill **anyone** who went against Zoot's words.

"_Hang on Pats_." He panted. "_Almost there_."

Beyond the light he could see the trees and below them was a war zone. If they could just get past the fighting into the trees. He burst out of the mine, Patsy under his arm. The light nearly blinded him as he plowed through the crowd. He didn't pause for one moment to look around or gather his bearings. He only wanted away from the mine, toward freedom.

Ryan didn't even stop wen Patsy cried out and went limp. He used what was left of his strength to pick her up and kept running. The first hit to his leg only made him stumble. He didn't have time to feel the pain. He was almost to the trees. He could see others making past the clearing to the safety of the forest.

The blow to his back stopped him dead. Ryan's gaze drifted from the trees to the sky as he collapsed. As kids ran over him, Ryan pulled Patsy tighter into his embraced as though protecting her. Not knowing she had already died in his arms. Slowly it all went silent until all he could hear was his heartbeat slowing it's rhythm in his ears. Then, just before the light faded out he saw Salene's face.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

They didn't talk about Patsy again. Ryan went silent after telling his story and Astrid didn't feel there was anything else to be said. Instead, Ryan placed all his energy into getting back on his feet. Though Astrid was worried he was pushing himself too hard, there was little she could do to stop him. Ryan was determined to get out of that attic and outdoors. She tried to stop him from standing up and trying to hobble around. But every time her back was turned, Ryan was at it again.

Three days later he was managing to get down the stairs on his own. Each step was agony and Astrid could see it in his face. But Ryan insisted he was fine. Astrid, realizing he wasn't going to slow down, gave in. To show encouragement she found him a short plank of wood to use as a cane.

The first floor of the cabin had two rooms, both furnished and much cozier than the upstairs. The large living room had a couch and a chair for entertaining while a bed sat in the corner. In the eat in kitchen, stood a handcrafted pine table with chairs to match. When asked why they hadn't set up camp down there, Astrid explained that the attic seemed more secure. Ryan fell in love with the fireplace and tried to hide his disappointment when Astrid vetoed making a fire. Nodding in agreement that it was too risky and might attract unwanted attention. Once outside Astrid helped Ryan into a wicker chair on the porch. She gave him a strange look as he gazed up at the sky, a lazy smile on his face.

"What is it?" She finally asked, slightly impatient with him.

"It's beautiful."

"What? The sky?"

"Yeah." Ryan couldn't stop his gazing. "Back at the mall we were always too busy surviving. And when we did look up sometimes all we saw was smoke."

Astrid leaned against the railing and sighed. "Yeah. When you're running for cover not much time to watch the clouds go by."

They sat quietly listening to the world around them. The stream could faintly be heard babbling over through the woods. Sometimes a bird would make it's presence known and fly by. The squirrels gave away their positions in the tress with a twig falling here, a nut there. It was a gentle quiet that made one feel safe. Ryan though back to the hallow, echoing silence of nights at the mall.

"It's weird." Astrid's gentle voice made Ryan look at her.

"What?"

"Down here, so much has happened. Every thing's always changing and we're desperately trying to keep up. And up there," Her almond eyes softened. "everything is the same. The sun rises and sets and the sky's always blue. The world's gone crazy and yet everything up there is still doing what it's supposed to do."

She caught Ryan's gaze and smirked. He looked back, his lips on the edge of a smile. He felt something deep within her dark eyes. A tender soul hidden beneath heartache and loss. Astrid didn't like how his gray eyes peered at her, as though they were penetrating her thoughts. She felt vulnerable and weak. Choosing to ignore the warmth in her chest, Astrid broke the connection.

"I'll get more water."

Ryan watched her go with a sense of longing.

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The next mid morning Astrid found herself walking the grounds in need of distraction. She was more than startled when a group of tribesmen emerged from the forest. A large wagon and several horses were among their entourage. Fighting back the urge to scream for Ryan, who napped on the porch, Astrid stood her ground and gave the trespassers a steely look.

"What do you want?" She spoke, her tone threatening.

A dark haired man stepped forward with a friendly expression. "We don't mean any harm. We were taking a short cut back to the city and seemed to have lost the trail." He gestured to the large group behind him. "We're just looking to rest and water our horses."

Astrid wasn't sure why but she instantly trusted him and welcomed them to stop awhile. Ryan near leaped out of sleep when he heard Astrid coming around the corner of the cabin with the strangers. The leader introduced himself as Pony Joe and offered some items for trade which Astrid quickly declined. It didn't seem right to charge him for something she didn't even have the right to claim.

Pony Joe's tribe quickly went about getting their horses watered and putting together lunch. Ryan accepted for both he and Astrid when they were invited to join in the meal. They listened as Joe explained they were nomadic traders and dabbled in the art of breeding horses. At the moment he had a high spirited one, Apollo, whom Joe was hoping to be rid of in the city.

They found the nomads to be pleasant and eager for conversation. Ryan was quick to answer questions about his past but Astrid shared little about herself. Explaining that she'd found Ryan by accident and pretty much leaving the rest of her life up for the imagination. While they ate and exchanged information about the city, Astrid noticed the way Joe stared longingly at a girl in his group. It was clear he had some sort of feelings for her. Unfortunately for him the dark haired beauty referred to as Moon was not returning his amorous gazes. Trouble in paradise, Astrid mused.

Ryan was thoroughly enjoying himself and lunch was over all to soon for his liking. Noticing his awkward limp, Pony Joe offered Ryan some Gossamer weed. "For the pain." He smirked before thanking them both for their hospitality. Waving goodbye, Astrid and Ryan watched as the traders disembarked via the overgrown driveway.

"They were nice." Ryan spoke up when the travelers were out of earshot.

"Yeah," Astrid shrugged. "Though I don't know anyone in the city whose gonna want a horse."

Smirking Ryan looked at her. "You'd be surprised."

She answered with another thoughtless shrug before walking back to the cabin. Ryan watched her go puzzled that she showed no interest in what might be happening in the city. He then looked back at the driveway, the trampled, grass the only evidence that Pony Joe's tribe was ever there. He hoped their journey went well, already missing the presence of a group. The mingled conversation, the bustling about, the quiet bickering. Ryan sighed at the vacant driveway. He didn't only miss the traders, he envied them.

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"I have to go back to the city."

Astrid looked up from the rock she'd been gazing at. It had been a few days since their run in with Pony Joe and Ryan had made it a new habit to wash up in the creek each morning. At first she thought he was crazy, arguing that it was too far for him to walk. Then she pointed out how much easier it was to wash up with the water from the bucket she brought in every day. He'd finally persuaded her to come with him under the guise that he needed her help. Curiosity set in after Ryan told her how great the water felt as he dunked his shaggy head. Now she joined him, soaking her arms in the icy water and daydreamed about hot tubs.

"What?"

Ryan stood up. "I have to go back, Astrid."

She watched him limp away too shocked to respond at first. Had she heard him right? He'd been on his feet for less than two weeks and now he wanted to trek down the mountain. She had put up with his eagerness to be independent again with understanding. Trying her best to be positive though she still thought he was pushing himself too hard. This was the last straw. Astrid jumped to her feet and followed him.

"Are you crazy!" She shouted. Ryan didn't turn around though he could hear her gaining quickly. "Do you even know where you are?" She yelled again. Astrid overtook Ryan and stood in front of him. He gave her a strange look before trying to hobble around her. "It's thirty miles to the city." She snapped at his heels. "You can hardly walk."

"I could do it," He defended quietly.

"No you couldn't Ryan. You don't have the strength to make a trip like that. Never mind what you might run into on the way. What if someone attacked you? What, you gonna run? Fight back?"

Ryan didn't answer as he continued to make his way towards the cabin. Astrid marched along side of him, anger in her every footstep.

"I can't believe you!" She hissed. "Everything I've done to make you well and you're just gonna leave. Forget about the fact that your leg is still wrecked and who knows if it will ever heal properly. Especially when you don't listen to me and insist on walking around on it. You know you could be doing irreversible damage and we'd never know it. "

Ryan sighed feeling guilty. Almost to the porch he thought to himself. His leg ached from trying to walk fast but he didn't want Astrid to see that he was already winded. Not in her mood.

"And who even knows what state the city is in right now." She continued her rant. "It's been what, three weeks since I took off? And then it was only the RUMOR that the Chosen were finished. We don't know if they've regrouped or what. And even if they are finished there could be another psychotic tribe trying to rule over everyone. You know these nuts don't waste time when it comes to power."

Ryan stopped suddenly, breathing heavy. "Look Astrid I'm... sorry." He took a breath and looked up at her flushed face. "I know you've done a lot for me and I don't want you to think I don't appreciate it. I mean... you saved my life. No one knew where I was and if you hadn't found me when you did..." Ryan stopped at a loss.

Astrid avoided looking into his eyes.

He sighed. "You don't know what it's like to be taken from everything you love and thrown into some dark hole to be forgotten. Every day all I could think about was my baby. Somehow getting back to Salene. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted my baby."

Astrid bit her lip as his eyes caught her. They were so sincere and wanting. She wanted to look away.

"I know it's crazy," Ryan shrugged. "But with the Chosen gone maybe there's a chance. I don't know if she's still pregnant or if she's had it or what. But she has to know I'm not dead and either way I'm here for her."

"She went with the Chosen." Astrid frowned. "Why would you go back to her?"

"I dunno. I know she stopped loving me but," Ryan looked down sadly. "She's my baby's mom. I can't stop caring about her. And it's not just her. The Mallrats are my family. They need to know I'm alive." He sighed. "And they need to know about Patsy."

"Family?" Ryan was surprised at her bitter tone. "You haven't learned anything have you Ryan?" Astrid didn't look at him. "Everything you care for. Everything you've invested emotions into. See how easily it gets taken away? How many times do you have to be hurt before you realize it? You just said your own wife didn't even love you. She offered up your baby, the thing you loved most in the world, to the Chosen. And your precious Mallrats," She scoffed. "Did any of them try to save you? Find out what happened to you? Go looking for you? And poor Patsy. You did everything you could to save her and she died anyway."

Ryan stood, tears burning his eyes as Astrid took a step closer to him. Her almond eyes were an ocean of pain, anger, and fear.

"Everything you care about, you lose. Until you figure that out, you're just going to get heartbroken over and over and over."

With those words Astrid left Ryan and ran back to the cabin. He stared at the ground, her words still stinging him. He didn't understand her. How she could be so kind and yet so cold at the same time? Why was she so angry at him? And what was all this about caring? If she felt that way why had she bothered to save him at all?

Ryan finally made it back to the porch and decided it was best to wait outside. He sat in the wicker chair and tried to make up his mind about what to do. He still wanted to go to the city. Still wanted to see his baby and his friends. Wanted desperately to go home. But unfortunately Astrid had been right. He couldn't even make it to the creek and back without having to lie down. How would he ever make it to the city?

Astrid buried her face in her hands as she lay in a ball on her bed. She felt like crying. She thought back to the day she found Ryan. She'd sat there staring at all those dead kids. It dawned on her that they all most likely had friends and family looking for them. People who cared about what happened to them. She imagined that their bodies might never be found, their whereabouts remaining a mystery to their loved ones. She thought about those who might be mourning them. Then she realized that if she died right then, there would be no one to mourn her. Unlike these kids, there'd be no one thinking of where she'd gone. That made her ache and there she sat crying over her own state of loneliness.

Then Ryan made a sound. And in a semi desperate attempt to save apart of herself, she helped him. For days she refused to allow herself to hope he'd pull through. But he did and every day he got stronger and Astrid felt a sense of completion she hadn't felt in a long time. His companionship, his honesty. There in the cabin it felt as though they were the only two people in the world, cast adrift from the lives they once lived. Now he wanted to go back to those he loved which only reminded her of how alone she really was.

"Damn me for caring about you Ryan." She wept.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Ryan stared at the fireplace in deep thought. Astrid had only been gone a few hours and he still couldn't believe she'd gone at all. After she'd blown up at him, Ryan stayed on the porch and tried to come up with a plan. There had to be a way to let the Mallrats know he was alright. But he couldn't come up with anything that didn't involve him at least making it down the mountain someways.

A couple hours later Astrid came downstairs to find Ryan had fallen asleep apparently exhausted from all that planning. She gently woke him and he looked up at her nervously. But Astrid's face was now calm and her eyes at peace. She sat on the railing and gave him a small smile.

_"I'm sorry I yelled at you." She sighed. "I understand that you want to see your friends. Especially Salene and your baby. And I don't know why I got so upset but I am sorry."_

_Ryan shrugged and smiled back. "It's... It's okay."_

_"I can't expect you to wanna stay here forever." Astrid looked down. "But I am right about your leg. You're just not strong enough to make it to the city. And if you forced it you could hurt yourself even more." She shook her head gently. "Never mind if you ran into trouble..."_

_Ryan sighed and nodded. "I know." His quest home would just have to wait._

_"So I'm gonna go."_

_At first he didn't comprehend her quiet statement. He looked up and stared into those almond eyes. They were completely sincere. "Wha... What?" He finally sputtered._

_Astrid shrugged. "I said I'm going..."_

_"Thank you!" Ryan interrupted as he broke into a large smile. "Thank you!"_

_Astrid felt awkward when he attempted to move towards her. She was subtle as she moved out of his path to the door. A burn built in her chest as he stood beaming at her. Folded her arms she looked away._

_"It's no big deal. I mean, I should find out what's happening in the city anyway. Besides if I don't get us more food we'll be hunting squirrel soon."_

_They both chuckled._

_"Still," Ryan couldn't stop smiling. "It means a lot to me."_

_Astrid finally smiled back. A real smile. "I'll leave tomorrow morning."_

The empty fireplace was screaming at him. How he wanted to build a fire in there. It wouldn't be hard to gather the dead branches around the house. If he was feeling strong enough, he could lug a couple logs from the wood supply out back. It would be a shame not to use the fireplace. Ryan bit his lip with indecision. If only he didn't have Astrid's warnings ringing in his ears.

_"I should only be gone two days tops. It could take till nightfall to reach the city and and find a decent place to stay the night." She was pacing the room as though looking for something. "Hopefully there's still a free trade market. No telling what lunatic is running the place now. Then I have to find food and supplies. I'll try to find out what I can about your friends." She stopped for a moment. "I mean they might not be at the mall. Or even in a tribe anymore."_ _Ryan nodded and Astrid resumed her random pacing. "Anyway, I'll find out what I can and if I find them I'll let them know you're okay. I should be back by tomorrow night. If not the following morning. There's enough food until I get back so you should be fine. Just be careful when going to the creek. And take it easy around here." She pointed at him. "You could fall or something and be stuck until I come back."_

_Another nod._

_"Okay." Astrid finally sighed and made her way to the door. "You should be fine." She said again as though convincing herself. "Just try to rest and I'll be back soon."_

_"I'll be fine." Ryan gave her a reassuring smile. "You just... be careful."_

_Astrid looked up at his friendly face and nodded. Just before she stepped off the porch she turned to him._

_"And no fires. Can't afford anyone seeing the smoke."_

_"Okay," Ryan waved her away. "Bye."_

_"Bye."_

"No fires." Ryan said to himself and headed out to the porch.

It was a beautiful morning and the world outside was alive with sound. It seemed like everything in nature was celebrating something Ryan wasn't aware of. He stood out in the yard and reveled in his surroundings. He had no idea what to do with himself. Left with no one to talk to or anything amusing. He didn't even have a deck of cards. Finally he eased himself down and stared up at the clouds.

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Astrid took a swig from her water bottle and stared down the road. She'd been walking for a few hours and still hadn't run into anyone. So far so good. She was already hungry but wanted to save her food in case she couldn't get any in the city. Though she'd never admit it out loud, Astrid was nervous about returning to the city.

Once upon a time she'd sworn she'd never leave. She'd always felt more at home on the streets anyway. There was a strange sense of comfort knowing that you couldn't get much lower than sleeping in an alleyway, sharing a box with some crack head you'd just met. To Astrid the adults dying was more of a twisted irony than a tragedy. Adults had only made her life more difficult anyway.

But now having gotten away from the decay and filth, Astrid had no desire to go back. In the cabin she'd found a small semblance of peace. Her spirit felt at rest for once. The world stood still out there and all a person had was time. Time to think. Time to dream. Time to wish away reality.

Astrid considered not going back to the city. She could always try to find supplies in the suburbs. Or perhaps a farm that might be nearby. She'd probably have better luck finding a non hostile tribe to trade with. One that hadn't been disturbed by the Chosen. Then she thought about Ryan back in the cabin waiting to hear news of his friends, his wife, his baby. She couldn't let him down. Another swig from her water bottle and she was on her way again.

She arrived in the city late afternoon, earlier than she had previously guessed. Taking the road down the mountain was much faster than taking the river up it. Astrid easily reverted back to her old city slicker self as she deftly made her way along the streets. At first she stayed hidden and took the back alleys. But soon she began to notice that there was a strange liveliness about the place. A familiar hum she hadn't witnessed since before the Chosen took over. Maybe they were defeated after all. Not exactly sure what was up and not wanting to ask a stranger Astrid knew of only one place she could head to. She only hoped it was still there.

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Ryan's eyes snapped open and for a moment he was confused to be staring at the sky. He blinked and realized he'd fallen asleep in the yard. Rubbing his eyes he slowly sat up. He'd slept outside many times since the virus began but he'd never felt safe about it. Out here there was nothing to fear. No tribes fighting for power. No fighting whatsoever. Just peace. The perfect place to have a family.

He sighed as he thought once more of Salene and the baby. The two of them haunted his dreams relentlessly. Had the baby been born yet? Salene had never admitted to when she'd gotten pregnant though Ryan was pretty sure it was before the wedding. He might have been slow about many things but he was quite sure that the baby was the only reason Salene reconsidered his proposal.

At the time he'd been too happy to care about those details. He could tolerate Salene not loving him as he loved her. He just wanted to be with her, take care of her, be a family. But during the months in the mines he had nothing else to do but think. And all he could think about was why Salene had turned on him. Why had he been so easy to cast aside? All he'd ever done was try to make her happy and it was never good enough. Why had she stopped loving him? What if she never loved him to begin with?

Ryan sighed as he shook those thoughts out of his head. There was no point in thinking about it. Nothing could be changed now. Salene and his baby were still somewhere in the city while he was stuck in the wilderness. The Chosen had come in and crushed all their dreams. Leaving nothing but sorrow, destruction and a mass of unanswered questions in their wake.

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Astrid cautiously approached the old building. It's outward appearance gave no indication of what might be going on inside. It had always been a dump. Attracted less attention that way. She watched as two kids came out, one obviously drunk and having trouble walking. Astrid smirked at the good sign. Being sure to keep her guard up, she climbed the steps and went inside.

The lobby looked the same. It actually appeared somewhat neater than she last remembered. As though it had a good cleaning. She could hear life upstairs but it was the dining room that held her interest. A low hum of conversation and food on the grill. Astrid's stomach growled as she swallowed her hunger pangs. It all seemed civilized. She took her chances and slowly pushed open the swinging door.

There were some guys playing cards in the corner. Another group of kids eating and having quiet conversation near the windows. Fresh glasses sat on the bar and there were new stools. The windows looked clean though there was still a familiar darkness to the room. The door to the kitchen was cracked and Astrid could hear someone mumbling to himself as he walked about clanging dish ware. She sighed and leaned against the bar still looking around.

"Can I help you?"

The sudden appearance of a body from behind the bar made Astrid jump. She hadn't meant to let her guard down.

"Gees!" She gasped.

"Well look who survived."

Astrid turned and looked at the familiar face. "Learies," She smirked.

"Astrid."

"I can't believe you're still here."

"I can't believe you're still alive." Learies glanced at the window. "They're making mincemeat out of anyone who used to be a Chosen out there."

Astrid narrowed her eyes at the girl still smirking. "You thinking of turning me in Learies?"

Learies cocked an eyebrow as though she were considering it before chuckling. "No. We all sold our souls to survive."

Astrid relaxed finally and rested her bag on a stool. Already she felt like she was home. Back in the old Inn that she'd spent so much time in before the Chosen. Learies ran it with her boyfriend Tesh who was a freedom fighter. Learies had always been more of a survivor like Astrid. She opened the Inn for the misfits and strays on the street. Kids belonging to no tribes.

The Inn was a place to trade for food, supplies, a bed. Learies would take anything for trade. She said it kept customers coming and she was right. The Inn was never empty or in need of supplies. The kids kept coming because Learies made trading easy and fair. And It was a safe place to hang out with Tesh and his fellow freedom fighters as bouncers. He would tolerate no fighting or abuse. He claimed the Inn was one of the few places where they could truly be free and he would die before he allowed it to change.

Astrid thought back to her last night in the Inn. The night the Chosen came. It was more than crowded with strays, kids sharing rooms without complaint. Astrid included. No one wanted to be on the streets. It had turned to confusion in the weeks after the antidote was no longer needed. Kids were disappearing and reports of a black van prowling the sectors had everyone shaken up. No one knew who was responsible though three main tribes were suspected: The Mallrats, the Locos and the Chosen.

It was quiet even though there were kids everywhere. Tesh could be heard above the low murmur of conversation. He was preaching against the Mallrats and their so-called power over the city. He was angry about their using the antidote for leverage. Forcing the city kids to follow their new laws or die of the virus. He claimed they were no better than the adults and that following them was the same as being in slavery.

"_And what of this damn newspaper they publish?_" He paced the room, almost all eyes on him. "_They print something and we're meant to believe it. Am I the only asshole who thinks that's a bit messed up?_" He stopped and looked around before continuing. "_Where are they getting their information? How many sources? Have they ever interviewed any of you? Who the hell are they speaking for besides they members of their own peedly tribe?_"

Astrid watched from the balcony that overlooked the dining room and smirked. She'd heard all this before. Verbatim.

"_And did you read their issue about the Chosen being finished_?" Tesh laughed mockingly. "_Well ain't that a relief! I can sleep soundly now. Thank God they wrote that or I'd never feel safe again. Please, if we all believed that then why is everyone here right now? Why ain't there anyone on the streets?_"

He was answered with low murmurs as everyone contemplated that question themselves.

"_I'll tell you why... because we don't believe it. Maybe some of you read it and it made you feel better... for a minute! But people are still disappearing out there and Ebony and her militia are doing little to stop it. I wanna talk to that little Mallrat reporter who wrote that crap. I wanna know her source and if she had viable proof before printing that pack of lies. I'm telling you, the Mallrats can't be trusted. They use the paper to control and manipulate the masses. So what if they found the antidote. Should we have to be indebted to them forever?_"

"_Hey man, they don't mean any harm_." Some one finally spoke up.

"_Yeah,_" Another kid found his voice. "_They saved my life... for free. I got no beef with them._"

"_They're just trying to make things nice again Tesh."_

_"Maybe they got a little power hungry with the antidote but you have to admit they did it with the best of intentions_."

Tesh looked over at the girl who spoke. "_The road to hell is paved with the best of intentions._"

Learies smiled from the table where she sat playing cards. "_And what's the road back paved with love?_"

Tesh smirked at her. "_Humility_."

It was barely an hour after that when the Chosen came. They came like a shadow at night, quietly surrounding the Inn and coming in all entries. Just as Astrid saw them coming in the dining room, she realized they were already on the balcony as well. There was no place to run, no time to react. They were simply there, weapons sharpened and psyche's badly damaged.

Tesh and his boys immediately tried to fight them off throwing the entire room into chaos. It was only minutes before many of them were badly injured including Tesh and the rest had no choice but to back off or be killed. Learies rushed to Tesh's side and realized he was bleeding from a deep wound.

The rest was a blur for Astrid. The Guardian did his song and dance about Zoot and his Chosen victory and Power and Chaos. It all came out to mean they either joined or died with the rest of the unwashed heathen. Astrid went numb as she was led out with the others. She turned around once to see Learies sobbing over Tesh, the puddle of blood growing larger. Learies was quietly begging someone to help Tesh. He was still alive. That was the last Astrid heard before she was led away.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Astrid yawned as she opened her eyes. Learies had placed her in a nice room and the morning sun was pouring through the double windows. She was surprised that her first reaction was to look for Ryan lying nearby. She was even more surprised by her disappointment when seeing he wasn't there. She'd grown so used to his quiet, comforting presence. She rolled over and stared at the sheer curtains.

The night before Learies had set her up with a good meal, a warm bath and some clean underclothes. Astrid tried to trade for them but Learies would hear nothing of it. Astrid had filled her in on life with the Chosen, her escape and finding Ryan.

_"What about you?" She changed the subject. "Did Tesh make it?"_

_Learies shook her head as she tried to hide the sorrow just under the surface._

_"They told me they would do what they could if I cooperated. Then they took him away and used this place as a way to trap rebels, strays." She scraped at some dried food stuck on the table top. "I did whatever they told me to. I just wanted him back. There were all kinds of rumors and stories about what they did to people who resisted them. I ignored it mostly and did what I do best. Survive."_

_Astrid smirked a little at the familiar comment._

_"Anyways," Learies shrugged. "I finally got word about Tesh. The Chosen Lieutenant, Luke I think his name was, he was kind enough to tell me the truth." She sighed. "He died a day or two after they came here. They did try to help him but he just... the wound was too severe."_

_"I'm sorry," Astrid wasn't sure what else to say._

_Learies just shrugged again. "You know how it is. It was prob'ly better that way. You know Tesh, he wasn't built to be a captive."_

Finally prying herself from the comfortable bed, Astrid dressed and gathered her things. Downstairs Learies filled her up with a hearty breakfast of fried eggs and potatoes.

"Le," She started to protest. "You can't possibly spare this for me."

Learies waved her away with a smirk. "Think of it as a welcome home buffet."

Home. Astrid let the word float around in her head. The city had always been her home. But now she was beginning to feel it was time to permanently move on. Time to find another home. After eating Learies informed her that the trade markets were up and running again in sector nine. Astrid mostly had prescription drugs for trade and she didn't want to waste them on the street. She wanted to trade them with Learies for some credible street trades.

"Percoset?" Learies eyes went wide. "How in the hell did you find that? You were always good at finding this kinda stuff."

Astrid smirked. "You can't be afraid to search a dead body. How many times have I told you?"

"Yeah yeah. Why do you want to waste them here? These babies are worth a fortune on the street. Pain killers go for a great deal."

"If I try to trade these out there I'll be jumped within a block by some freak who thinks I'm rich. I'd rather trade them with someone I trust and take the regular stuff out there to trade."

"Well if you're gonna go through all that trouble why don't you just do your shopping here." Learies gestured to her goods. "I'm sure I've got everything you need."

"Come on Le. You know the rule: never shop in one place."

Learies rolled her eyes and took the pills. There was no arguing with Astrid when it came to survival on the streets. She was the expert having lived out there for nearly three years before the virus struck. Before the virus Astrid lived mostly with vagrants and druggies. She learned all the hustles and was involved with many deals. Those people were some of the first victims of the virus. Living in such close, scummy proximity and bad lifestyle choices such as sharing needles spread the disease fast.

Surrounded by death Astrid did what **she** did best. Survive. She raided the different apartments for the most valuable of trades: drugs. She kept secret stashes hidden all over the place, never carrying all she owned with her. Never knew when she might get robbed. Of course after the Chosen took over she couldn't count on those stashes to be where she left them. Yet, she still found rare items to trade. She was the perfect street rat.

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"Ugh!"

Ryan winced in pain as he stumbled along the path from the creek. He'd just finished taking a cold dip. If he wasn't careful he could fall and be stuck just as Astrid warned. He didn't want her to come back and find him sprawled out. She might think he'd ignored her. He certainly didn't want to upset her. Not with that terrible temper of hers. But it wasn't just the threat of another emotional explosion that he feared.

He was afraid of hurting her. There was something more to Astrid than she was letting on. Something soft and gentle. There was a kindness in her eyes which he caught sometimes when she looked at him. There was a sadness as well. He wondered what had happened to cause her to put up that protective wall. Though the virus itself was reason enough for anyone to put up a wall.

He made it to the porch and eased himself into the wicker chair. A cooler breeze was picking up and though he felt chilled in his wet clothes he didn't bother to go inside. The air felt good and he savored the goosebumps. To feel something other than damp earth on his skin. For a moment he thought of Astrid's gentle touch then immediately erased it from his mind. What was he doing thinking of her that way? He had a beautiful wife out there waiting for him.

Ryan sat reminiscing of better times when he and Salene were happy. Those wonderful lazy mornings when they would lie around in bed, neither wanting to leave the other's side and start the day. The way she used to smile at him and her laugh. God how he missed her laugh. If he could just hear Salene's laugh one more time. That and his baby's cry. He'd be the happiest man in the world.

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"I'll take the pants... and the sweat shirt too."

Astrid made her deal and stuffed the clothes in her sack. She'd done well for herself at the market, not only picking up supplies she and Ryan needed in the cabin but supplies for whatever might lie ahead. The market place was bustling and no one paid her much attention which was a good sign for the ex Chosen member. Everyone seemed more preoccupied with the posters being taped up everywhere.

She asked around and learned there was talk of an election for a new city leader. Even after the long history of tyrannical rulers, the city still wanted someone to be in charge. Astrid rolled her eyes. It seemed everyone would rather follow the leader than make a path for themselves. Sheep.

She was avoiding her next objective which was to find out the fate of the Mallrats. It wasn't that she didn't want Ryan's friends to know he was alive. But when she made it to the mall, she would have to find out about Salene and the baby. Once Ryan knew what was going on with his family, his next goal would be to get to them. And then he would leave. This was not something Astrid was looking forward to.

Could she help it if she had begun to like him? He made her feel safe. Made her feel warm inside. There was something in his very nature that calmed her spirit. With him it was as if life could be good again and all the crap that had happened before didn't matter. She felt new with him. When he smiled at her it was as though the little girl that no one ever loved no longer existed.

"Can you believe it?"

Astrid looked up at the boy who was now standing next to her. He too was staring at the election poster of Bray.

"What?" She was wary of his presence.

"Mallrats still trying to be on top. Don't he realize how many people want to skin him alive?"

"Why? He didn't kill anybody."

"No," The boy shook his colorful head. "But they won't give up the Guardian and that has the city peeved."

"The Mallrats have the Guardian?" Astrid was surprised. She was sure someone would have iced him by now.

The boy nodded. "Won't put him on trial 'cause he's crazy or something like that. Like we didn't know he was crazy. That whole sector is chaos with people storming the mall."

"It is?" Astrid had mixed feelings about this information. On one hand it gave her an excuse not to go to the mall. She being an ex-Chosen herself certainly couldn't show up there while people were demanding restitution for the Chosen crimes. It would only take one person to recognize her and they'd rip her limb from limb. On the other hand it meant getting back to the cabin with no news for Ryan.

"Yup."

"So the Mallrats are still in the mall?"

"With a name like that where else they gonna go?" The boy laughed.

Astrid smiled. "Sounds like you know a lot about them."

"I know enough." He looked at her. "You new to the city?"

"No, but I've been away for awhile. Maybe you could help me."

He gave her a once over and smirked. "Maybe. What you need little lady?"

She gave a flirtatious smile. "I'm looking for a friend. She was a Mallrat and she's pregnant. At least she was when I left. Name's Salene... red hair, pretty face. You hear anything about her or the baby?"

"Yeah, I heard of her." The boy looked thoughtful. "She ain't pregnant anymore though."

"Then she had it?"

He shook his head. "No. She had some kind of fall and lost it."

"Oh." Astrid's face fell. Poor Ryan. "How is she?"

He shrugged. "Heard she flipped out after that. Went crazier than the Guardian. Someone said she jumped off the roof. Haven't seen her since"

"Oh my God." The words came out in whispers.

The boy studied Astrid's crestfallen face and sighed. "Sorry I said it like that. Her being your friend and all."

Astrid sighed. "I asked." Slowly she turned and walked away.

"Anything else I can help you with?" He called after her retreating form.

She only shook her head numbly and kept going.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

author's warning: this chapter contains heavy adult themes, including drug use, implied prostitution and statutory rape

Astrid didn't bother making anymore trades. She simply left the market and went back to the inn. She never considered going to the mall and confirming what she'd learned. Nor did she think to send a message to the Mallrats telling them of Ryan's fate. She thanked Learies and said goodbye knowing she would never see her friend again. All Astrid wanted to do was get out of that city. She had no plans of ever returning.

As she left her concrete jungle of a home behind, Astrid could only think about one thing. How was she going to tell Ryan about Salene and the baby? From what he'd told her, returning to his wife and child was the only thing that kept him alive in that mine. His thoughts of them prevented him from going insane. They were the reason he managed to pull back from the abyss and survive his injuries. How could she possible tell him that reason no longer existed?

Astrid walked for hours in a distracted fog of depression. This news only confirmed her belief that caring for people led one down the road to self destruction. She thought back to the last time she ever truly loved anyone. Her eyes stung with tears long since unshed as the painful memory came back.

It wasn't long before the virus and Astrid was fourteen. She'd lived on the streets for the last two years since running away from her last foster home where her foster father showered her with unwanted and inappropriate affection. She was now living with Shaun, a nice guy with a terrible crystal meth habit. He allowed her to share his crummy studio apartment. And unlike most guys he didn't expect anything from her. Shaun never crossed the line with Astrid and respected her like a sister. He was the first person in her screwed up life to show her any sort of tenderness that wasn't tainted with ulterior motives. It was no wonder she fell in love with him.

In time Shaun returned her feelings and they had the sweetest, if not illegal, whirlwind love affair. Though the part of the city they lived in was disgusting and grimy, and their apartment nothing more than a hole in the wall, Shaun and Astrid were happy. Their love, being so fresh and innocently honest, made everything around them seem beautiful and new. But not even their blissful, young love could change the reality of their lives.

Astrid, with her innocent face and knowledgeable street sense, was a favorite among the drug runners. While Shaun angered dealers with his increasing inability to pay bad debts, Astrid made a small profit running drugs from dealer to buyer. In a neighborhood of no morals and no conscience, Astrid was in some ways considered the local sweetheart. Some dealers felt somewhat protective over the young girl running their illegal wares through the streets.

Then came the day Shaun was blacklisted by the local dealers. No reputable dealer would even consider selling him meth on credit. Some stopped selling to him all together even when he managed to cough up half the cash up front. Astrid tried to help him see the bright side: this could be his chance to quit and start his life anew. At first Shaun agreed with her and tried to kick his habit. Some days later his withdrawal hit it's peak as he trashed their already sparse apartment and stormed the streets in need of a fix. At night he couldn't sleep and his whole demeanor frightened Astrid who'd never seen him angry or even raise his voice.

She felt guilty and wanted so very much to help her love. So Astrid asked one of her most dutiful dealers for a favor. This particular guy really liked the young girl and knowing she was good for it, gave her the meth on account. Feeling she'd done the right thing, Astrid brought the precious parcel back home to her darling Shaun only to find him making a deal of his own. She wasn't familiar with this new dealer, nor was she comfortable with the way he leered at her. His dark, cold eyes seemed to burn into her flesh.

Before she could tell Shaun of her gift, he pulled her aside and informed her of the deal he'd made. She could tell by the dilation of his pupils that he was high before the words left his mouth. He'd finally found someone willing to give him a hit on credit... on one condition. Astrid was horrified when he admitted to having sold her to the dealer for a payment of sex. She of course refused sobbing almost immediately at the very thought. She couldn't, wouldn't. She was already cringing at the thought of that man's disgusting hands on her. While she cried Shaun begged, almost regretfully, reminding her of what would happen to them both if she didn't pay his debt.

Somehow between her sobs and his pleas for cooperation, Astrid nodded in agreement. Even before she allowed herself to be steered toward the mattress on the floor, she felt her spirit leave her body and float away to a safer place. Shaun left the studio both to give them privacy and because he couldn't believe what his habit had driven him to do to the one person he claimed to love. Astrid kept her face to the corner so as not to see the terrible violation being committed against her body. She willed herself to go numb so she couldn't feel his clammy skin against hers or the tears that streamed down onto her flushed ears.

She didn't move right away when he was through. Waiting instead to hear the door shut before slowly curling into the fetal position. She didn't hear Shaun come in and slip into bed beside her as she willed herself to forget what had happened. She didn't even know she was still crying until she felt Shaun brush the tears away and whisper, "_I'm sorry baby... I'm so sorry..._"

His touch now felt like poison and Astrid pulled out of his embrace. He watched her crawl from their bed, her hateful eyes boring holes into his guilt ridden frame. Suddenly Astrid threw the small bag of meth she'd acquired for him and held clenched in her fist all this time. It bounced off his chest and Shaun picked it up, his confusion melting to disbelief. He shook his head wishing it wasn't so. Wanting so very badly to take back what he'd done but it was too late. She'd seen the ugliness of his heart that the addiction had created. There was no apologizing now. Not when she knew his love for her was worth nothing more to him than a hit of meth.

"_Please don't leave me..._" was all he could say but Astrid wasn't listening. She grabbed what few belongings which were within her reach and ran from the apartment leaving Shaun sobbing behind her. She raced into the night and the unknown as though running from the memory itself. Maybe if she ran fast enough she could make it disappear and it would never touch her again.

Astrid did return to Shaun eventually. After the virus had claimed him and his body, having gone unnoticed by his panic induced neighbors, lay rotting in his disheveled bed. The virus was taking the whole neighborhood and he was just one of the victims that no one cared enough about to come for. Astrid, realizing the world was coming to an end, raided the abandoned apartments for anything she could use to trade on the streets. When she came upon the old studio, her heart ached as memories of better times flashed through her mind. She only felt the slightest pity when she found him, knowing he wouldn't be buried nor remembered by anyone that mattered. At one time he'd been a symbol of love to her, now he was simply another dead adult who had disappointed or scarred her in some way.

She finally left, taking nothing for she wished never to remember either Shaun or that place. The last place she'd felt loved, felt alive. The place where the final nail was driven into her heart and snuffed out all hope of happiness.

Astrid now sat on the curb sobbing at the shameful memory that refused to leave. No matter how hard she tried to bury it deep, the pain was always just beneath the surface wishing for a way to escape. She didn't bother to wipe the wetness from her face as her shoulders shook. She was sitting at an intersection and was the only life in sight at the moment.

To her left the road continued into the trees up the mountain. To her right it led to a housing development. She stared at the large homes, tears blurring her vision. At one time it had been a lovely neighborhood with dogs barking, kids riding their bikes, automatic sprinklers, and professional landscapers. Now it was a derelict place with windows shattered, siding ripped off, a few houses were burned and all the greenery was either dead or overgrown.

Astrid had always wanted to live in such a place with parents who loved her. She wondered if Ryan had lived in such a home before the virus. Perhaps that was why he was so kind and genuine. He probably never witnessed the horrors that Astrid had experienced all her life. The more she thought about the houses and the families who once lived in them, her cries subsided and her tears dried. Soon she was simply staring with red eyes at the looted neighborhood.

She was suddenly struck with an odd idea which she immediately shook from her head. It came back and this time she took a minute to consider it. Astrid glanced up the mountain road. If she continued at this pace, she'd be back at the cabin by nightfall. Maybe even earlier if she hoofed it. She looked back at the houses as she stood and adjusted her heavy pack. For reasons she couldn't explain she started toward the neighborhood.

meth amphetamine - illegal street drug which can be snorted, smoked or injected.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

Ryan stared at the deepening shadows of sunset with slight worry. Astrid should be back by now, he was sure of it. Though the sky still bore the warm color of dusk, the world below was fast becoming dark and foreboding. He didn't like the idea of Astrid being out there alone in the night. He was worried for her safety though he reminded himself that she was probably a lot tougher than he was. Remembering that Astrid said she might not be back until the following morning, Ryan finally stepped away from the door.

Inside the cabin it was becoming almost too dark for the two weak candles sitting on the kitchen table. The candles alone didn't give off enough light for the two large rooms. Ryan would be better off taking them up to the attic for the evening but he didn't like being up there alone. The night before he hadn't been able to sleep, jumping at every little sound. He constantly awoke and found himself looking for Astrid's slumbering form in the dark but then the realization that he was by himself hit him like a rock.

Ryan sat on the couch staring into the blackened fireplace and marveled at how much he missed Astrid. How strange that someone he'd known for so short a time had become such a comfort to him. He found himself grinning at the very thought of her eyes and that hesitant smile of hers. Even when she was angry he had to admit there was a fire within her that he found near irresistible. Ryan shook the images from his head and realized the sky had gone completely dark. He was embarrassed to have been lost in his thoughts for so long.

He looked back at the fireplace in which he'd set up some new logs out of sheer boredom. He felt the ready to burn wood gave the room a cheerier feel. Now he was fighting the temptation to set them ablaze. He couldn't imagine that the small fire would cause enough smoke to attract anyone's attention this time of night. He was in the middle of nowhere. The only thing stopping him was Astrid's warning. He wondered how angry she would be if she learned he'd disobeyed her.

Suddenly a strange thought of Lex popped into his head and Ryan found himself chuckling. Lex would consider him whipped for letting such a small girl push him around. The memory of his arrogant mate made Ryan feel warm. Though most of Lex's unusual logic had escaped Ryan in the past, this was one time he had to agree. Ryan had spent far too many months lying around in the dark, his fear consuming him. He was tired of being afraid. If someone spotted the fire and came after him, so be it. With that Ryan stood and went in search of the matches.

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Astrid grunted in frustration as she hit the dimming flashlight. The batteries she'd traded for were already dying and she was annoyed with herself for getting gypped. She squinted into the poorly lit basement and sighed. This was the fifth house she'd searched and she still hadn't found what she was looking for. Astrid knew that her search was ridiculous in the first place but the more she thought about it, the more determined she was to succeed. What she had found was enough to make a grown man faint. In three of the homes she'd crept through she discovered the remains of people who had died in their beds. The smell of death was so overwhelming Astrid had to stop and dry heave.

The neighborhood was creepy though Astrid had concluded it was completely deserted hours ago. Out on the street she heard nothing but crickets and the occasional owl. The sound of her boots hitting the crumbling pavement echoed in the night. Her flashlight was fast becoming useless and she clicked it off annoyed. Thank goodness for the moon. It was nearly full and made the darkness less frightening.

House number six had been badly looted and Astrid wondered whether it was worth checking out. In the living room was evidence of a short lived fire and the name Zoot was spray painted on the dining room wall.

"Locos," Astrid said absently.

She hadn't known the nut job tribe spent any time in the suburbs. She'd assumed from their primitive behavior that they must have sprung up from the concrete of the city. Shattered family portraits lay in a heap beneath the fireplace mantle, somehow managing to not be completely destroyed by the fire. Astrid only gazed at them long enough to see it was a typical nuclear family: Mom, Dad and their two sons. All the furniture downstairs was shattered and the basement door was buckled within the frame. Though she figured it was a pointless venture, she climbed up to the second floor.

Surprisingly only one room was trashed. Though obviously looted, the master and third bedroom were both left somewhat in tact. It was in that third bedroom that Astrid found what she was looking for. The sport posters taped up and numerous trophies lying about were her first clue she was in the right place. Plaques for most valuable player and best sportsmanship still hung crookedly on the wall. An old basketball jersey was tacked above the one window which wasn't broken. This boy had been an obvious sports nut. On a bookshelf which stood rather untouched were numerous framed photos. She gazed over them quickly before spotting a pair of wooden crutches in the corner.

"Yes," Astrid smiled.

She picked one up and sized it up against her. Good thing the previous owner had been tall. She was sure they would fit Ryan perfectly. As she thought about how she would carry them back to the cabin, she was well aware that this strange gift in no way made up for the bad news she had yet to tell Ryan. In fact, the search itself had just been her mind's way of putting off the inevitable. It's not everyday that one gets the honor of crushing another's hopes and dreams.

As she turned to leave the room, Astrid's boot caught on a loose lamp cord and she lost her balance. Unable to catch herself she hit the floor, taking the bookshelf with her. After being slightly startled by the loud crash that echoed through the house, Astrid took the chance to chuckle at her clumsiness. As she untangled herself from the debris she accidentally cut her hand on one of the shattered frames. Picking it up she saw it was a picture of the same two boys from downstairs. The brothers were dressed in what looked to be school uniforms. If she'd studied it harder she might have recognized the older boy as the same kid running for leader back in the city. As it was Astrid simply set it aside and stood up.

Taking another step her boot landed on something solid. She lifted her foot to see she'd almost broken some sort of jewelry box. She picked up what seemed to be something made in wood shop perhaps, the top slightly splintered from her weight. The hinges had grown rusty and along the bottom was carved a name though time had made reading it an impossibility. Inside, lying on a dusty bed of cotton, was a necklace, the chain cheaply coated with gold plating. The only thing of value was the opal birthstone pendant. Inscribed on the back it said, "for Mom". The small gift was worth nothing as a trade but something about the necklace touched Astrid's heart. It had meant something to someone once. She felt empathy for the boy who had to leave it behind. Without another thought she stuck it inside her already overflowing pack.

Having found what she was searching for and knowing it was too dangerous to travel at night, Astrid decided to camp out in the house until sunrise. Thankful that the disheveled bed still had an old quilt and pillow, she settled down for a night of restless slumber. Unable to relax enough to fall into deep sleep, an exhausted Astrid was thankful when the sky began to grow lighter. She was back on the road before the sun had come up over the horizon.

The crutches made walking awkward but her desire to see Ryan encouraged her to keep up the pace. She was never more pleased when a few hours later she came upon the overgrown driveway to the cabin. As she stumbled through the underbrush her happiness was again overtaken by the dread of telling Ryan about Salene. She was both relieved and depressed to find him sleeping peacefully on the couch. The wood in the fireplace still smoldered and she smirked at his defiance.

"Hey," Ryan suddenly stirred awake causing Astrid to jump. She tried to give him a smile as he rubbed his eyes. "You're back,"

"Yeah," She nodded as he yawned and then smiled up at her. Despite her best efforts, that smile of his caused butterflies to flutter in her chest.

Ryan sat up and glanced at the fireplace. "It got cold," He tried to explain but Astrid just shrugged.

"It doesn't matter. I think I was being a little over cautious. Just wanted you to be safe."

He nodded and stood up. Noticing the crutches he tilted his head. "Are those for me?" He asked sheepishly.

Astrid nodded, wary of questions still to come. "I thought you could use something better than that piece of wood."  
He smiled widely taking them and carefully took a few test steps. "Thanks. They're perfect. Where'd you find them?"

"Just a house," Astrid shrugged absently. She knew that he would ask about the Mallrats any minute now. Ryan didn't disappoint her.

"So how are things in the city?" Ryan tried not to sound too eager but failed miserably. "Did you find out about my friends?" He paused as though the question itself frightened him. "Salene?"

She gazed into his hopelessly wanting eyes and shivered. How could she tell him? "The city's fine." She managed to say. "The Chosen are gone and things are... going back to normal. They're even having an election for a city leader."

"Really?" Ryan smiled in disbelief. He hadn't known the city to be that civilized since they found the antidote.

Astrid nodded again slowly. "I couldn't go back to the mall unfortunately because that sector's a hot spot for anyone who used to be a Chosen. But I heard your friends are fine um..." She swallowed. "They even have the Guardian..."

"The Guardian?" Ryan shook his head in shock as she trailed off. He had secretly hoped the Guardian would be dead. Knowing his friends and their pension for justice he guessed that would never happen. Oh well, at least they were alright. He looked up realizing that Astrid seemed to be leaving a very important detail out. "But how is Salene?" He asked imploringly. "Did you hear anything about **her**? Is she still pregnant?" Astrid faltered and found herself slowly shaking her head no. She was somewhat horrified when Ryan smiled. "Then she had it! What is it, do you know?"

"Yes..." She blurted out in strange voice and then shook her head quickly. "I mean no. No she didn't... she... she miscarried." Ryan gave her an odd look as though he wasn't sure what that meant. "She lost it..." Astrid sighed as she reiterated. "I'm sorry."

The expression on Ryan's fallen face tied her stomach into knots as he sat on the arm of the couch. In order to fight back the stinging tears he closed his eyes, clenching his jaw tightly. His baby was gone. The one thing in this life he still had to be happy about and it was gone. Ryan wondered how Salene had taken it. He was sure that losing a baby, even his, was enough to crush any woman. Astrid painfully watched the emotions play out on his grief stricken face while the seconds of the most uncomfortable silence she'd ever experienced ticked by.

"Is she okay?" He finally managed to speak though his voice was strained. Astrid couldn't find the words to answer as she stared at the floor. When he was only met with quiet, Ryan looked up at her worried. "Is she okay, Astrid?" Again he was answered with silence and Ryan stood up and took a frightened step toward her. "Astrid... please..."

"No Ryan, she's not." She finally whispered and looked up to see he was already shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm sorry but... she... she killed herself." Just saying the words out loud made Astrid ache and she could only imagine the pain they caused Ryan. She watched him back away, an unrecognizable look in his eyes. The tears hadn't come but his lower lip trembled as he fought back the torrent of emotion threatening to spill over. He continued to limp backwards and seemed surprised when he bumped against the wall.

"How?" Ryan wasn't certain how he'd managed to say anything at all and Astrid was just able to hear the inaudible whisper.

"The roof."

Ryan looked as though he would collapse from the weight of this news and his knees slightly buckled underneath him. How could Salene do such a thing? Was her despair so great that she found there was nothing left to live for? He couldn't believe it. Wouldn't believe it. "No," He whimpered quietly.

"I'm sorry," Astrid didn't know what else she could say. Truly there was nothing that could make this better.

"No." Ryan repeated more forcefully.

"Ryan,"

"No!" This time he shouted and there was no stopping the tears that streamed down his flushed cheeks.

Astrid sighed sadly, near crying herself. "Yes... Salene's dead."


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

The sun had just risen when Ryan got off the couch and began packing the bag Astrid found for him in the city. He was careful as he limped around not to wake her. Long after she'd gone up to bed, Ryan remained awake downstairs staring into the fireplace. Contemplating his choices in the wake of his overwhelming emotions. Now as he shuffled about he wanted her to stay sleeping. He knew if Astrid realized what he was doing, she would try to stop him. He didn't want to be stopped. Ryan knew what he had to do and not even the pain in his leg was going to stop him. Stepping out into the chilled morning air he looked back at the cabin once more before walking away.

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As soon as her eyes opened Astrid knew something was wrong. Only she didn't know what. She rolled over and saw Ryan hadn't come to bed. She sighed thinking of how upset he was the night before. He refused to talk, eat or drink. Just wanted to sit on his own. She'd never seen him so despondent and felt helpless not being able to do anything to make it better. Instead she'd done as he requested and left him be. He needed time to deal with this new pain. No stranger to misery, Astrid understood it would be a long road of healing for him.

Crawling out of bed Astrid realized how silent the cabin was. She couldn't even hear Ryan's light snoring downstairs. Pulling on her boots she wondered if he was awake and sitting outside. Downstairs was empty and she noticed Ryan hadn't lit a fire to comfort himself last night. She peeked out at the empty porch and vacant yard. Perhaps he was at the stream. The new crutches gave him more freedom of movement so he certainly didn't need her to make the trip anymore. She turned and faced the rooms before her, vaguely wondering what she would eat when she noticed it. Ryan's bag was gone.

A sudden panic rose in her chest as she did a quick sweep to make certain she was correct. Yes, his bag and everything else she'd brought back for him were gone. Knowing it was useless she ran upstairs only to confirm her fears. She raced back down and out into the yard. He couldn't have been gone long she thought as she started running down the overgrown driveway. Reaching the main road she spun around looking for any sign of him.

"Ryan!" She called close to tears. Only the sound of a flock of birds ascending from a tree could be heard as her voice echoed and faded. "Ryan!"

He was gone and she knew it. Gone back to the city and he hadn't even said goodbye. Astrid couldn't stop the tears as the realization flooded through her trembling body. She stood crying and staring down the vacant mountain road willing him to reappear by some miracle. Even if was to ask her to join him on his journey. Of course she knew this wouldn't happen. Why would Ryan come back for her? Who was she to him but a girl who brought him the worst news of his life? Sure she'd saved him but by now Ryan was probably thinking it would have been better if he'd simply died along with his family.

After what seemed like an eternity Astrid trudged back to the cabin. Her face was soaked with tears but she didn't bother to wipe them away. She was alone again. So utterly alone and never had she felt so empty. Not even when her mother was sent away to the sanatorium. Nor when she drifted from one foster home after another. Not even the emptiness she'd experienced when she lost Shaun could compare to this. All of those other times she'd found the strength and drive to keep going. She'd been determined not to be broken by her hardships. Now all she wanted to do was collapse and die. There was no strength or drive left. Ryan was gone and had taken her last bit of happiness with him.

Lying on the damp grass Astrid wrapped her arms around her knees and wept as though her world had ended. She lay there for a long time even after her she'd run out of tears. She could find no reason to get up so she stayed there, the cool air washing over her bare arms and making her shiver and feel hollow inside. She was empty. That was why Ryan left her for she had nothing to offer him. From this vantage point she stared at the cabin and the shed off to the side. It could have been home but now it was just another painful reminder of something else lost. She stared almost wishing she'd never found Ryan. Almost. Despite how much she was hurting now she wouldn't take back the warmth she experienced while in his presence. Oddly for this she felt blessed.

The wind began to pick up and the shed door squeaked as it swung on it's rusty hinges. The shed door was open. Astrid sat up. She hadn't left it open. She'd only gone inside once when they first arrived here and she was looking for supplies. She vaguely wondered if Ryan had peeked inside out of curiosity. The squeaking was annoying and it grated Astrid's nerves. The noise was almost mocking her sorrow. It irritated her beyond rationality. So much that she found herself standing and walking, then running toward it screaming "Shut **up**!".

Just as she was about to slam it shut in anger she saw the garden spade was missing. An odd thing to notice considering her state of mind but it's absence caused her to pause. The shovel had been one of the first things she'd seen when she first looked inside. Ryan couldn't have moved it. What would he want with a shovel? Where had it gone? She gazed about curiously and not seeing it she slowly shut the shed door. No longer distracted from her misery she stared at the ground wishing for a hole to swallow her up. As her eyes spotted a dead field mouse lying nearby a strange thought slowly dawned on her. She looked back at the shed and then out to where the stream babbled away. Astrid's heart jumped. She knew where Ryan had gone. Without stopping to grab her coat she ran toward the stream and followed it up the mountain.

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Ryan stared down at the body. Patsy had been easy to spot amongst the decaying corpses in her yellow novice robe which was dulled with dirt and time. When he first arrived at the mass grave the smell caused him to retch and he almost turned around. Despite the aging discoloration of her skin the tattoo was still quite visible. Seeing her this way was enough to make Ryan forget his mission. Biting back his urge to vomit he pulled out the blanket he'd packed in his bag. He wrapped up Patsy's stiff body then lifted the parcel and looked for a nice place in which to bury her. The clearing was a few yards away and overlooked the mountain range. His heart melted as he thought of their travels up and down Eagle mountain so long ago.

"You like that view Patsy?" He said quietly to himself. "No one will bother you here."

The ground was mostly rock and didn't have much give. Even with his size and strength Ryan was having a difficult time. He tossed away thoughts of how long this would take and continued digging with the shovel he'd discovered in the shed. It wasn't meant for big jobs such as this. The spade was shaped to handle the soft soil of a vegetable garden. His leg throbbed in agony and his arms ached but still Ryan kept on.

Astrid spotted his crutches first when she came upon the cave. He'd gently set them down amongst the bodies. Though she didn't see Ryan she knew he was near. He couldn't have gone far without the crutches. Looking around she finally saw him digging some yards off through the trees. He was wearing the new clothes she'd traded for, the dark fabrics a complete contrast with his fair skin. Swallowing the impulse to call his name she crept up on him slowly. His body language was odd: angry and melancholy. She wasn't sure her presence would be welcomed. Timidly she approached measuring her voice so as not to startle him.

"Ryan?"

He jumped and whirled in irritation. Astrid stood staring at him, his crutches in hand. Her face was flushed and she was breathless as though she'd run all the way here. Despite his mood he found her vulnerability to be quite beautiful. Remembering himself, he met her eyes with a steely expression.

"I'm burying her Astrid. She deserves that much. I couldn't bury Salene or my baby but I **am** burying Patsy and you're not going to stop me." His strained voice rang with pain and defiance.

She had no thought of stopping him. In fact his persistence in the matter only made her heart ache for him. Setting the crutches down she reached for the shovel.

"Here, let me dig for awhile. You look like you could use a rest."

Surprised at her compliance Ryan hesitantly handed over the spade. Without another word Astrid began to dig and Ryan gratefully sat down to take pressure off his leg. They took turns over the next couple hours, the digging a slow ongoing process. More than once they were on their knees pulling out rocks and roots with their hands. Though neither of them said it out loud, they each wanted the grave to be deep enough to keep Patsy's body safe from wild animals. They didn't bother wondering why scavengers hadn't found her yet. It was perversely fortunate that Patsy's was just one of the dozens of corpses for the hungry predators in the wilderness.

Finally the grave was finished and Ryan insisted on placing Patsy inside himself. Astrid watched saddened by the unnecessary death of a girl she'd never know. From his bag Ryan pulled out his old clothes which he lay on top of Patsy's wrapped body. It was as if he were burying a piece of himself along with her. Perhaps his past. Slowly he and Astrid poured the dirt over the dead girl, placing heavy rocks along the top. Ryan then revealed the last thing to add to the site. A piece of fire wood he'd spent the night carving Patsy's name in. He had stubbornly worked for hours by only candle light. This he placed at the head of the grave. Finished with the task he'd set out to do, Ryan sat back and stared.

Silence prevailed and Astrid wondered if she should leave Ryan alone. This was the first funeral, if one could call it that, she'd ever been to. She wasn't sure of her place or if anything should be said. It was peaceful here, and the oak tree off to the side would shield the grave from sun and rain.

"I'm sorry," Ryan's quiet voice shook Astrid from her thoughts. "I couldn't protect you... any of you. But you're safe now. No one will ever hurt you again." Ryan's tired eyes stung with tears as he remembered Patsy the way she used to be. Before the Chosen. Images of the pretty, bright eyed girl danced before him and he managed a weak smile. She was cocky, a smart ass but mostly sweet and he loved her like a daughter. They'd been his family: Cloe, Patsy, Salene. Now they were gone and he was all that was left. "I'm sorry..." He repeated in a whisper before breaking down. Helplessly Astrid watched as Ryan sobbed for the last time over everything he'd lost.

They stayed at the grave site a few hours more neither interested in food or water. Ryan sat in silence staring at the wooden grave marker in deep thought. Astrid followed his lead and said nothing as she leaned against the oak lost in her memories. She was surprised when without so much as a word he stood, pulled on his pack, picked up the crutches and walked away. She jumped up, grabbed the spade and joined him. They didn't talk as they headed down the mountain, the stream leading the way. The wind whistled through the trees above them and Astrid now wished she'd brought along something to put over her arms. She was covered with goosebumps. It was getting later in the season and winter would be here shortly. Astrid vaguely wondered if she and Ryan would still be in one another's company then.

"Thanks for helping me." Ryan finally spoke up.

"Sure," She answered rubbing warmth into one of her arms.

"How did you know where to find me?"

"Actually I didn't." Astrid looked down thinking of her earlier breakdown. "It wasn't until I realized the shovel was missing. Before that I thought you went back to the city."

He gave her an odd look. "Without saying goodbye?" He shook his head. "I wouldn't do that."

She looked back at him with a small smile. She was finally beginning to understand Ryan. "I know."

That night they both stayed downstairs. Ryan took the couch politely leaving the bed for Astrid. A roaring fire lightened the heavy atmosphere and they both stared at the dancing flames as they ate dinner. Their conversation was quiet and pleasant involving Ryan's tales of the Mallrats and how they first came together. She smiled at the light in his eyes as he relived his fondest memories.

"I think I liked it better when we were first starting out." He commented thoughtfully. "Even though we had to hide and scrounge for food, we stuck together. It was just us and the mall."

"Sounds nice." Astrid sighed. "No wondered you were in such a hurry to leave." Ryan nodded slightly as she pondered her next question. She had to come to terms with the fact that Ryan would not stick around forever. He was no longer the nameless boy she'd found at the edge of death. He had a past and an entire life outside of this experience with her. For Ryan, life with Astrid in the cabin was simply another passing moment in time. "I guess now that you're on the mend, you'll be going back soon right?"

Ryan paused as the words sank in. "Don't have much to go back to really."

His answer surprised her. "You have your friends."

He shrugged. "Yeah, but they never really needed me. So much has changed I'm not sure what I'll be going back to." Ryan thought about all the tribe members missing due to the Chosen occupation. In his heart he feared that there would be no one **left** to go home to.

Astrid swallowed. Was it too much to hope he would stay? "So what are you going to do?" She asked trying to mask her anxiety.

Another shrug. "I dunno. It's been awhile since I've been on my own." Ryan realized now that he was no longer in any hurry to leave. Or maybe he simply wasn't wanting to leave Astrid. "Maybe I'll stick around." He glanced at her nervously. "I mean, if you don't mind me tagging along."

It took all her will power to keep from leaping up in joy as Astrid smiled. "I think I can handle that."


	11. Chapter 11

author's note- i wanted to thank those of you who have been following this story. it means a lot to me and i apologize for the delay of this update. there is a change in chapter 5 you may be interested in. though i always planned to have ryan encounter pony joe, i mistook the timing of said event and had to go back and correct the problem. ryan now meets pony joe before astrid's trip to the city, which coincides with events happening there. thank you for your patience and enjoy.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The days after Patsy's burial passed slowly. Each blending into the next without much notice. Astrid and Ryan did their best to keep the boredom at bay. He mastered his crutches while she cheered him on. When they'd finally run out of all ideas, Astrid carved a checkers board into a slab of wood. Using Obsidian and Formica rock for the pieces. It was crude and primitive at best but it gave them something to do other than play tic tac toe in the dirt. Food reserves started to dwindle and they discussed going back to the city but neither wanted to. Astrid didn't have the heart or stomach to go through the forest with a sharpened spear and Ryan had neither the strength nor stealth. Then Ryan happened to throw a sharp rock into the trees and killed himself a sparrow hawk. So began their primitive style of hunting. Many afternoons were spent shooting sharp stones at movable targets in the trees.

Soon a week and a half had passed. As the Northern winds blew in, it became too chilly to bathe in the stream or spend long hours out doors. So Astrid and Ryan were confined to the coziness of their refuge, and the hearth was rarely without a roaring fire. They had permanently moved downstairs with Ryan on the couch, politely leaving the bed for Astrid. Much of their waking hours were spent in conversation, though they steered clear of anything too close to heart. They spoke of their hopes and plans for the future, rarely delving into the past. It seemed the thought of "tomorrow" was just more optimistic. Ryan found himself strangely interested in Astrid's time with the Chosen and despite his better judgment asked about it.

"So what did you do for them?"

"Lotsa stuff." She shrugged, slightly uncomfortable with the subject. "I had to go through a novice program first to prove my knowledge of the great one." She rolled her eyes. "And then I went to some sort of compound where they did all sorts of things: keep unbelievers, train novices and some science stuff."

"Science?" Ryan perked up. "Did you know anyone named Jack?"

"Uh... I don't think so." Astrid frowned. "I didn't really get to know anyone. I spent most of my time in servitude when I wasn't being forced to pray. Well, actually there was this one girl. She was hurt pretty badly. I heard they were keeping her because the Guardian wanted to break her personally. I got to know her because I brought food to her room. Danni, I think her name was."

"Danni!" Ryan was surprised. "You knew Danni?"

"I knew **a **Danni. Why?"

"One of the leaders of my tribe was named Danni." He explained. "She disappeared after a fight with the Chosen and then later we heard they were taking all the city leaders away. We never found out what happened to her."

"What did she look like?"

"Uh, dark hair..." Ryan paused as he suddenly realized he'd never really looked at Danni. In the beginning she'd come across as nothing more than a black haired reincarnation of Amber. He couldn't even remember the color of her eyes. "Light skin, kinda tall... bossy." He admitted shyly.

"Well, she wasn't in any position to be bossy when I met her but it could be the same girl. Sounds like her."

Ryan nodded convinced they were speaking of the same person. "What happened to her?"

"After she got better I heard the Guardian had failed to (recruit) her so he was sending her away to this terrible mine. I mean it was a really awful place." Her eyes widened as though the very memory frightened her. "I've heard things about it and it's the kind of place where people go but they don't come back."

"Like a death sentence." Ryan said in a whisper and Astrid nodded.

Ryan then decided he didn't want to hear anything else about the Chosen and Astrid was glad not to talk about it. Was there anything in their lives that hadn't been touched by sadness? Ryan wondered if it were possible to move forward or would their lives forever be marred by tragedy.

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Astrid was torn from sleep by his murmurings. The fire was still a pile of glowing embers so when she turned over, she could see him clearly. Another nightmare. Seemed he had one nearly every night since she'd come back from the city with news of Salene and the baby. She watched him stir restlessly before slipping out of bed to his side where she nudged him gently.

"Ryan wake up. It's okay."

Ryan's eyes snapped open just as Salene stepped off the roof. He turned frantic eyes at Astrid as he focused on her silhouette in the dim fire light.

"It's okay." She comforted softly. "It was just a dream."

He sighed as his heart beat slowed. He'd been having the same terrible dream of Salene's suicide. His mind picturing what it might have looked like. Always he called out to her and always she looked back once before jumping. He felt sadness in her eyes but mostly, accusation. He was positive she blamed him for what happened. For not being there for her and their unborn child.

He was grateful that like always Astrid didn't ask what he'd dreamed. She was simply there when he woke, pulling him back from the dark abyss into her comforting presence. He lay there while she timidly rubbed his arm. Astrid wasn't one for physical expression so when she did touch him, he both relished and shunned the contact. Feeling guilty for enjoying her touch and too scared to respond.

"Ryan, are you alright?" She asked after several minutes of silence.

He nodded and was regretful as she pulled away. Surprisingly instead of returning to bed, Astrid sat on the floor and leaned against the couch. She grabbed a stick and began to poke at the smoldering embers. Ryan watched as the flames began to dance under her expertise. He was feeling warmer and he wasn't sure if it was from the fire or her presence.

"I hate nightmares." Astrid said quietly.

Ryan looked at her in surprise. He wouldn't have guessed that someone as self assured as Astrid would be plagued by nightmares.

"I keep seeing her on the roof." Ryan whispered causing Astrid to turn to him. "I try to tell her to stop but she can't hear me... or won't hear me."

Astrid sighed and gazed at the fire. She wished it hadn't been her to deliver the horrible news to Ryan. Though she wanted him to stay with her, if she could she'd bring back his wife and child. If only for a second so he could smile. He deserved so very much to smile.

"I shouldn't have left her." Ryan spoke again, melancholy in his voice. "You were right. I should've joined the Chosen and stayed with her."

She turned to him. "No Ryan. I don't think I **was** right. It took a lot of bravery to do what you did. If more people had fought back that way, then maybe the Chosen wouldn't have been able to do the damage they did."

"I should have been there." He insisted, his eyes wide with guilt. "It's my fault they died."

"No." Astrid said firmly. "No it's not. The Chosen are responsible for that. And someday they'll pay for their crimes." She looked down briefly thinking of Tesh and how she simply walked away from him... and Learies and Danni. "We'll **all** pay for our crimes." She finished softly thinking of her small part in the Chosen's path of destruction.

"You weren't one of them." Ryan whispered gazing at her.

A hint of a smile played on her lips as she was pleased he didn't group her in with those blue robed fanatics. For a moment she felt lost in his light eyes and thought how lucky Salene had been to be loved by such a boy. How her heart must have broken when she thought she'd lost him. If only she'd known how much he still loved her. Astrid longed for a love as true and honest and perhaps it was this desperate wish that made her forget herself. Without thinking she leaned in and planted a soft kiss in Ryan's lips. Before he could respond Astrid was already apologizing.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry..."

Astrid couldn't believe she'd done something so reckless. How could she be so stupid as to kiss a boy still lamenting his dead wife? Hadn't her experiences taught her anything? Was she a glutton for punishment? While Astrid silently berated herself, Ryan sat stunned and touched his lips where the heat of hers remained. He couldn't believe she'd kissed him. Judging from the blush in her cheeks he guessed it wasn't a pity kiss. Having an irrepressible desire to feel that heat again, Ryan leaned forward pulling Astrid by her shirt and connected their lips once more.

It took her a few seconds to realize she and Ryan were kissing again. At first Astrid resisted before melting into the warmth of his mouth. A shuddering sigh passed between them as they slowly pulled apart. Despite the shock in her eyes, Astrid's expression was clearly smitten as she gazed back at Ryan. They stared at one another in silence waiting for someone to end the moment. Finally Astrid cleared her throat and broke eye contact.

"It's late." She said quietly. "G'night."

Ryan barely nodded as he watched her climb back into bed. She offered him a shy glance before turning over to face the wall. Astrid didn't want him to see the smile on her face. She couldn't believe what had happened and at the moment she didn't want to worry about what it meant. In minutes she'd suddenly gone from a tough, street survivalist old before her time to a blushing, adolescent girl with butterflies in her stomach.

Ryan continued to look at her slim figure a few minutes more before lying back on the couch. A large grin spread over his lips as he stared into space. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so... content. For so long he'd dreamed of Salene, wanting to be everything to her. Forever regretting what they'd lost. Perhaps it was time to start dreaming of someone else.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

The next day Astrid opened her eyes and felt an immediate sinking in her stomach. She remembered she and Ryan's kiss and in the harsh light of morning it seemed an even worse idea than she'd initially thought. '_How could I be so stupid?' _She thought. '_Something like this can only lead to heartache. He only kissed me because he's hurting and vulnerable right now. And I kissed him because I'm lonely. That's all it is. Right?' _As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she didn't know that on the couch Ryan was stirring awake with a completely different take on the situation. His was a bashful smile that greeted the break of day. The sun was brighter, the air was fresher. He felt as though a veil of melancholy had been lifted and he could begin anew. Astrid had kissed him and damn if that didn't make him blush. He finally sat up and caught Astrid in the same motion.

"Morning." He smiled at her.

"Mornin'."

Astrid didn't meet his eyes as she fumbled out of bed and slipped into her boots. He watched as she nearly fell over with uncharacteristic clumsiness before going into the kitchen. Something was wrong. Ryan could sense by her body language that she was upset. And he assumed she was most likely upset with him. '_Isn't it always that way?'_ He thought before getting off the couch. As he came up behind her, Ryan felt that there was nothing more natural than reaching out to caress her bare arms. He longed to bury his head in the curve of her neck and lose himself in the scent of her hair. He of course resisted and settled for standing next to her. She was scrambling sparrow eggs on the camping stove.

"Smells good."

Astrid only nodded in response. Ryan stared at her profile for a moment trying to figure out what he had done wrong. Finally he looked away.

"Are there any mint leaves left?" He thought of his morning breath.

"Check the box on the shelf." She finally spoke.

She and Ryan had discovered the bushel of mint in the back yard. It made a real soothing tea and when chewed freshened breath as well. Ryan reached for the box and as he lost his balance, absently placed a hand on the small of Astrid's back to steady himself. Glancing into the empty box he then dropped it to the table in disappointment. He didn't realize his hand was still on Astrid until he felt the rise of heat against his palm.

He looked at her, surprised by the flush growing in her cheeks. Ryan found himself uncontrollably gravitating closer, slowly slipping his arm around her waist. His lips were now just grazing her ear and she could feel his breath coming out in small nervous shudders. Astrid's heart hammered against her rib cage as she realized she needed only to turn her head slightly in order to kiss him. Just as he was about to caress her face with his other hand, Astrid gasped and broke from his enclosing embrace.

"I need a walk." She exclaimed, grabbing her coat and leaving the cabin.

Ryan watched, the emptiness of her vacant presence weighing heavily on him. He understood what Astrid was trying to say. Last night had been a mistake. She didn't want him. Staring down at the eggs bubbling and whitening with heat, he decided he wouldn't pursue this. In his experiences, Ryan had learned that when a girl said no, at least to him, she meant it.

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The next couple of days passed just as slowly as those that had proceeded them. Only now in a tense silence. Ryan and Astrid hardly spoke a word to each other aside from social pleasantries. Astrid did whatever she could to avoid Ryan and went on so many walks, her cheeks were red from wind burn. She couldn't stop herself from thinking about him though. Her mind raced with thoughts of his kiss and her body ached to feel him again. What was she so afraid of? Why couldn't she just acknowledge how she felt for him? Astrid could no longer convince herself that the kiss hadn't meant something. On the contrary it meant the world. If only she didn't have the nagging reminder of what would happen should Ryan leave. Because the truth was, he would. They always did. Astrid was convinced that she was cursed to lose everything she loved. She always had. Why should that change now?

Ryan simply followed her lead and sat in silence, playing checkers alone. Inside his mind was a growing discussion. He wondered how he hadn't noticed his feelings for Astrid before. It was clear the kiss had awakened emotions buried beneath his grief. As though she'd broken a spell with her lips. Ryan had always thought Astrid was attractive, especially her eyes, and she had a sweet vulnerability just under her hardened surface. But now he was forced to acknowledge that he liked her as more than a companion. Somehow while he was distracted with his loss, her very presence had crept into his pores and was now buried deep within his subconscious.

He watched her as she moved about the cabin. Since she avoided eye contact at all costs, it was easy. He admired the way her mass of dark dreadlocks trailed down her back, the softness of her shoulders, the subtle curve of her backside, or the way her skin glowed in the natural pools of light from the window. He even sometimes found himself awake and gazing at her peaceful, unconscious figure across the room.

Finally on day three Ryan had enough. He couldn't live like this in a home of forced silence. The air was so thick with tension he could hardly breathe. He now knew what Astrid meant to him which made her rejection even more painful to bear. He had to get out of there. There was no way he could stand by and have his heart shredded by yet another woman who didn't love him. He couldn't go through that again. He **wouldn't** go through that again.

He decided to leave, though he wasn't certain where he would go. The city held too many bad memories for him and despite recent evidence, he wasn't a country boy. He thought about going to the coast. As a kid he'd lived by the beach and loved it. Since the virus though he hadn't been back. Perhaps it would be a good place to start over.

Ryan wasn't looking forward to telling Astrid about his plans but went in search of her anyways. He found her by the stream, avoiding him of course. The sharp breeze was whipping her loose hairs every which way and her cheeks were red and ruddy but she showed no sign of moving anytime soon. She could hear him limping up behind her and Astrid fought back the urge to gaze back at him.

"Astrid."

"Hm?" She didn't turn at his presence.

"I have to talk to you."

"What is it?"

Ryan sighed as she refused to look at him. He could tell she was cold and it took every fiber in his body not to reach an arm around her small, trembling shoulders. For a few seconds he studied her face: the curve of her nose, the shape of her lips... as though he were memorizing every detail. Regardless of what happened, Ryan was glad he met her and would never forget the short time they'd spent together. When Astrid had yet to meet his eyes, he sighed again. '_Better get this over with.'_

"I'm leaving."

Astrid flinched. "When?"

"Tomorrow. I can walk pretty good without the crutches now and I don't think my leg will ever get any better than it is."

Nodding, Astrid looked down sadly. "Where will you go?"

"I'm thinking the beach maybe." Ryan shrugged. "I miss the water." He waited for a response and when all she did was nod, he continued. "I appreciate everything you did for me. You saved my life." Ryan felt his throat tighten. "I'll always remember that." '_Ask me to stay.' _He thought desperately as he wanted nothing more than to be with her.

Astrid finally looked at him. "You're welcome." She whispered.

Their eyes locked for a moment and Ryan saw a flickering of something... was it regret... in Astrid's. But before he could say a word she looked back at the icy flow of water before them. Staring at the back of her head Ryan finally looked down with understanding. She wasn't going to ask him to stay. She didn't **want** him to stay. Nodding to himself, Ryan turned away while he still had the strength to make the right decision.

Astrid felt her heart shatter in her chest as she listened to his retreating footsteps. He was leaving, just as she always knew he would. She could no longer deny that what she felt for Ryan was deeper than anything she'd experienced before. Was it love? She wasn't certain but it hurt no less to see him go. This was what she'd tried to protect herself against. What she'd feared. Love always led to pain and it just wasn't worth it.

Astrid frowned and thought of the first moment she'd seen Ryan's eyes open. She thought about how his soft gaze seemed to penetrate the cold, unused recesses of her heart. How his smile melted her defenses and how his very presence caused her to tremble. A small smile played on her lips as Astrid realized that despite everything, she'd do it all again just to experience one honest moment with Ryan. It **was **worth it.

Suddenly Astrid spun around. "Ryan!" She called out and ran after him. She couldn't let him go.

He turned and was more than surprised as Astrid bombarded him, planting a heated kiss on his lips. Despite his best efforts Ryan melted into her embrace. He let out a staggered breath as she slowly pulled away, gazing into his eyes.

"I don't want you to go." She said in a whisper.

Ryan looked at her with uncertainty. "Is that why you're kissing me? So I won't go? If it is, don't do it."

"No." Astrid swallowed, scared by this uncharacteristic risk she was taking. "I want you stay because I like you. I really, really like you."

"Good." Ryan's expression softened. "Because I'm starting to love you."

Astrid stared back, mouth agape. "What?"

"I said..."

"Wait, don't." She quickly pressed a finger to his lips. "You'll jinx it."

He smiled at her widely before kissing her once more.


	13. Epilogue

EPILOGUE

Astrid awoke with a yawn and smiled at the familiar warmth of an arm cinched around her waist. Her eyes fluttering open slowly she looked down at the top of Ryan's shaggy blond head resting on her bare chest. It had taken her a good chunk of the last couple months to get used to how much of a snuggler he was. Hardly a moment passed when his body was out of contact with hers in slumber. Not that she minded. It felt wonderful to belong to someone, to be important, to be loved.

Astrid realized that she'd woke up because she had to go to the bathroom again. It was getting annoying now though she was certain the need would only increase in the coming months. As comfortable as she was, Astrid needed to move. Gently she ran her nails over Ryan's bare back and nudged him with her knee.

"Ryan," She said softly. "I have to get up." He answered with a defiant murmur which made her smirk. "Come on. Please."

"Just a few more minutes." Ryan mumbled.

"I have to pee."

"Again?"

"Yes. Please get up."

Ryan didn't answer nor look up as he pulled Astrid tighter into his embrace. With a small smile she played with the tufts of his hair. Maybe she should tell him. He most certainly hadn't guessed. For all his sweetness Ryan was somewhat oblivious. Astrid sighed. She couldn't put it off forever.

"I've been thinking."

"Hm?"

"Remember what you said about the beach?" She kept her tone light.

"Hm."

"Maybe we should do it."

"Do what?" Ryan finally spoke, his face still buried in the soft mounds of Astrid's chest.

"Maybe we should go there. Ya know, move to the coast."

"I thought you didn't wanna be anywhere near the city?"

"Well, we don't have to be right next to the city. There's plenty of coastline to choose from." Astrid fidgeted with her hands. "But it wouldn't be such a bad idea to be a bit closer. Might make it easier to get stuff. Stuff we're gonna need..."

Ryan frowned. "What do ya mean, **gonna **need? What kind of stuff are you talkin' about?"

"Well," Astrid paused. "A crib for starters."

There was an awkward silence as she nervously awaited his reaction. Ryan finally opened his eyes as her words repeated themselves in his head. Slowly he sat up and looked at her no longer having any desire to sleep.

"Cr... Crib?" He said tentatively. "Wha... do you... are you..."

Before he could get the words out Astrid was nodding. "Are you mad?"

"Mad!" Ryan exclaimed before breaking into a wide grin. "Are you serious? This is great!"

"It is?" Astrid was taken aback by his positive reaction. There was still so much she had to learn about Ryan.

"Yes!" He kissed her tenderly. "How long have you known?"

"A couple weeks." She smiled. "I'm never late but I wanted to be sure. So you're okay with this?"

"You kidding?" Ryan shook his head, a glossy look in his light eyes. "I couldn't be happier." Leaning in to kiss Astrid once more, Ryan pulled away and gave her a lazy smile. "I love you." He whispered.

Astrid smiled back. "I love you too. But I still gotta pee and you're on my bladder."

"Sorry." Laughing Ryan rolled aside so that Astrid could crawl out of bed.

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"Are you sure this is the way?" Ryan stared up and down the road skeptically.

"I've already made this trip once, remember?" Astrid reminded him gently. Noticing a pothole Ryan instinctively reached for Astrid's arm to lead her around it. She responded with an exasperated laugh. "Ryan I'm pregnant, not crippled!"

He had been this way since yesterday morning when she told him the news. Suddenly over protective and a bit high strung. As it was Astrid had to fight in order to carry her own traveling pack. Ryan himself not only wore his own, but he had the camping stove strapped on, as well as a large encasement of netting which held useful odds and ends: fire wood, the garden spade, cookery and cutlery, candles, the first aid kit, so on and so forth.

"If you're gonna be like this until the baby comes let me know." Astrid continued lightly. "Cause I don't think I can stand you hovering over me for the next seven and a half months."

"Sorry," Ryan gave her a slight smile and stared down at his boots. He didn't want to tell Astrid his real reasons for being so nervous. He was afraid something was going to go wrong. Perhaps not as drastic as with the Chosen, but he just felt as though something, **something**, was on the horizon. Ryan was happier than he'd been in a long time and he was certain that his present mood was a bad omen.

"I'm not mad at you." Astrid observed his downcast expression.

Looking up into her almond eyes Ryan smiled. "I know."

They walked some ways in silence, just enjoying the sounds of nature around them. It had been a bittersweet decision, leaving the cabin. It was, after all, where they started out together. It had taken Ryan several minutes to leave the attic for good. All he could do was think of the fortune that place had brought him. He was going to miss it. The thought of starting a new life with Astrid by the sea made it all worth it of course.

After a bit of walking Ryan frowned yet again. "Astrid are you sure...?"

She smirked. "The city's just over this rise." She pointed.

Just as she'd predicted, within minutes the city rose into view like a looming monster down in the valley. They paused and stared down at the faint billows of smoke emerging from the burnt out shell of buildings. It was hard to believe it was still nearly an hours walk away. Ryan stared at the mass confusion of concrete and steel and felt a slight pang in his chest. It had been so long since he'd laid eyes on it's familiarity. It felt good. Like seeing an old friend.

They had been walking for about ten minutes, the city fast approaching, when Ryan heard it. A strange buzzing noise in the distance. He stopped in his tracks and looked up and down the road. Astrid walked past him before turning to see what had halted his progress.

"What is it?"

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

Ryan frowned and began searching the sky. "It sounds like an engine. A plane I think."

"A plane?" Astrid too gazed at the sky. "Are you sure?"

"Listen."

They stood in silence for a few minutes before Astrid was able to make out the sure sound of a plane flying somewhere above the clouds. Ryan gave her a concerned frown which made Astrid nervous so she attempted to smile.

"Well it was only a matter of time." She shrugged carelessly. "Someone was bound to get curious and try it."

"Yeah," Ryan agreed but the frown didn't leave his face. He resumed walking but still searched the sky as though he wouldn't be satisfied until he could see what was making that noise. It brought with it a sinking sensation in his stomach. Ryan knew he wasn't the sharpest tack in the box but he couldn't shake the feeling that this was a bad thing.

"I'm sure it's nothing." Astrid spoke up as though reading his mind. He nodded without looking at her. Finally Astrid stopped walking and sighed heavily. "Come on Ryan. I'm not good at being an optimist. Help me out."

He looked at her realizing she was as disturbed by the plane as he was. "Sorry," Clearing his head of dark thoughts Ryan reached over and took her hand. "You're right. It's nothing."

Some ways ahead the road forked off into fours, the third one to the right leading away from the city toward the coast. The couple paused and stared at the city which was still miles away. From here it looked harmless. One would never guess at the chaos that ran it's streets.

"Last chance." Astrid whispered.

"For what?"

She looked at him as he stared off wistfully. "Last chance to change your mind. If you wanna go home, nows the time."

"I am home." Ryan smirked as he squeezed her hand.

Smiling at his words Astrid fought the urge to blush and gazed at the city with triumph beating in her heart. They stared for awhile longer, the distant buzzing of the plane growing slightly louder, before walking away toward their future. Ryan knew he would always miss the mall, forever lament all he had lost, but just one look at Astrid's warm smile was enough to let him know he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

This year's love had better last

So whose to worry if our hearts get torn

When that hurt gets thrown

Don't you know this life goes on

And won't you kiss me on that midnight street

Sweep me off my feet

Singing ain't this life so sweet

This year's love had better last...

the end


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